Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're looking to work 2 hours a day, 3 days a week for about $1000 a week please contact me!!! We can look for it together.

   THEY'RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU'RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU'RE welcome TO share this, TOO.

   Patience" is what parents have when there are witnesses

   I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I’m making important life decisions.

   I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet... what are the odds?

   Phil Robertson just learned the hard way that once you get sponsorships you can no longer express your opinion...unless your sponsors give you that opinion.

   If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...

   Exercise? I thought you said "extra fries".

   May be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I'm considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.

   Have you ever noticed people who work in designer stores have attitudes like they can afford to not work in a store?

   I hate when I am all alone in the house then things like soda cans in the trash decide to pop and make noises!

   I do my best proofreading right after I hit send

   Do you think having a fifth of Jack means something different to a cannibal?

   In a new poll, 80% of Japanese women admit to having faked origami.

   Patient: The problem is that obesity runs in my family. Doctor: No, the problem is no one runs in your family.

   When you love someone truly and unconditionally, age, distance, bank balance, height or weight is just a damn number.

   People who still call radio stations to request songs are the same people who still updates their MySpace profiles

   I've been invited to a Post-Rapture looting event but I replied "Maybe attending" because I've also been invited to a Judgement Day event and I need to see how that goes before I decide for sure....

   No one ever says, “It's only a game,” when their team is winning.

   If you pull up to a red light and the car next is on their phone step on the gas and brake, and watch how far they go