Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid "If you don't stop fussing I'm gonna make you spend christmas with this man" and then points at me causing him to cry harder
←Rate | 12-06-2019 09:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A Citizen's Arrest for the next person who asks me if I'm ready for Christmas.
←Rate | 12-03-2019 13:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wasn't allowed to watch "A Charlie Brown Christmas" as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
←Rate | 12-07-2019 08:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
←Rate | 12-05-2019 13:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
←Rate | 12-06-2019 10:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn't already hate you...
←Rate | 12-06-2019 09:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Can you put tequila in a humidifier? Just asking for a friend.
←Rate | 12-06-2019 13:14 by RichMcC Comments (0)  


   messageicon Do you have tin foil? Then you have everything you need to make tin foil balls. Stay tuned for more last-minute gift ideas.
←Rate | 12-05-2019 13:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I used to like watching dramas like the Days of Our Lives and As the World Turns, but now I have Facebook.
←Rate | 12-02-2019 12:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.
←Rate | 12-05-2019 11:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] "no person wants this many birds"
←Rate | 12-06-2019 08:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Christmas as a child: "Socks and Money? This is ridiculous!" Christmas as an adult: "SOCKS AND MONEY? HOW DID YOU KNOW? THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED. I LOVE YOU"
←Rate | 12-06-2019 09:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You can tell the age of an artificial Christmas tree by the lines of duct tape around the box it's stored in.
←Rate | 12-05-2019 11:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, "In case I feel like sharing."
←Rate | 12-07-2019 08:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon HOW TO WRAP PRESENTS: - Ask somebody else to wrap presents
←Rate | 12-05-2019 13:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is to know what rhymes with "Hug me" Love, Robin Thicke
←Rate | 12-05-2019 13:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The holidays are always tough on me.... One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn't up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family. Still haunts me.
←Rate | 12-05-2019 09:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My phone auto-corrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer". I sent it anyways...
←Rate | 12-05-2019 08:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon mistletoe is the gateway drug to pregnancy
←Rate | 12-05-2019 13:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Not to brag, but I still haven’t buttoned my pants back up from Thanksgiving.
←Rate | 12-05-2019 13:57 Comments (0)  




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