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SEAN Funny Status Messages
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Just downloaded the new Samuel L Jackson voice to my Echo, now it wont quit asking me "whats in my wallet"...
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09-27-2019 09:09 by
SEAN
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1
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I feel like ever since Matthew McConaughey won the Oscar he has just been driving around in Lincolns drinking Wild Turkey
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04-13-2017 22:34 by
SEAN
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Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but legend has it that she's still telling me about herself....
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06-04-2019 09:25 by
SEAN
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Cable guys was just in my neighborhood, asked me what time it was.. I said between 8am-1pm..
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06-24-2019 15:41 by
SEAN
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The worst part of working for the Department of Unemployment is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.
20
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08-19-2017 11:24 by
SEAN
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The biggest problem with eating healthy is that I don’t wanna do that.
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06-04-2019 09:27 by
SEAN
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I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
19
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12-29-2016 16:57 by
SEAN
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I don't understand why Beyonce and Jay-Z didn't name their baby 'BeJay'.
121
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01-13-2012 11:41 by
SEAN
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Police always seem disappointed when they realize those bits of foil on the floor of my car are just old Hersheys Kiss wrappers not drugs.
54
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03-08-2013 10:03 by
SEAN
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Those fake living rooms at IKEA should have a couple in them trying to assemble IKEA furniture and fighting.
137
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05-28-2013 14:53 by
SEAN
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0
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In high school I was voted "most likely to succeed". Boy, did I prove those idiots wrong!
89
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05-03-2012 11:44 by
SEAN
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0
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What I’m really looking for in a friend is loyalty. And a pool. Mainly just a pool.
83
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05-28-2013 14:52 by
SEAN
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Let's be honest. The only reason I listen to my voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear.
87
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07-09-2013 13:25 by
SEAN
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My psychiatrist prescribed me an odd number of pills for my OCD and I'M THE ONE WHO'S CRAZY?!
29
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01-17-2014 11:37 by
SEAN
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0
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When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
139
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06-05-2012 15:45 by
SEAN
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0
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The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.
98
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09-24-2012 08:33 by
SEAN
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I've spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
92
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10-23-2012 11:56 by
SEAN
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Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you're ignorant and make bad decisions.
86
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08-20-2013 11:01 by
SEAN
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Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don't think you're supposed call people that any more."
86
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09-12-2013 11:08 by
SEAN
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0
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PRO Halloween money saving tip, put an empty bucket on your front porch with a sign that reads "Take One"
63
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10-30-2013 10:45 by
SEAN
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