Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Okay people, I'll ask again. Have you people had enough or are you thirsty for more? If you had enough, then accept my deal and learn to abide by the terms!!!!

   .Don't mean to brag but I saw the Solar Eclipse today. Went outside, closed my eyes & BAM! Solar Eclipse.....

   Conswrvatives says it's alright to hurt people's feelings because it's good for them? Tell that to Ted Bundy's parents.

   Of course donald handled the past situations with kid gloves. Kid gloves are the only gloves that fit his hands.

   Politicians are people who have too little an amount of morals and ethics to remain lawyers.

   I came walking in from the kitchen, and asked my niece for the phonebook. She laughed and called me an antique, Then proceded to gave me her phone.Long story short, the spider's dead, and she's in the living room crying.

   My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I can't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

   If every day is a gift, today was socks.

   Patriot Act(342 pages) isn't patriotic. The Affordable Care Act(20,000 pages) isn't affordable, and The Net Neutrality Act(400 pages) won't be neutral. When the government tries to spin something as good, you should expect the exact opposite.

   Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it's an intervention.

   Congress is so strange. Someone gets up to speak, says nothing, nobody listens, and then everybody disagrees.

   Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed and it was....GREAT!

   If the earth was flat, cats would have pushed everything off of it by now.

   As I get older and I remember all the people I've lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me

   I wish people in this world would put as much effort into earning respect as they do demanding it.

   There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.

   This generation is guilty of making the wrong people rich and famous.

   A cop pulled me over and was going to give me a ticket for talking on the phone and driving. I told him he couldn't do that because it was my wife and I was just listening.

   I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

   When a cashier asks if you found everything you were looking for, take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, "I have now."