Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear AT&T, I'm not interested but appreciate you wanting to save me money. And if you'd like to save money stop mailing me letters!

   My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight

   Gym Update: Not there

   shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.

   McDonald's can mess up your order thousands of times, but a small business makes one mistake and unmercifully gets bashed throughout all eternity.

   I went on a blind date today. It didn't start out that way, but she brought pepper spray...

   I’m really thankful I had a childhood before social media took over.

   The further a society drifts from the truth, The more it will hate those who speak it...

   Out of all my body parts, my eyeballs are in the best shape because I roll them like 300 times a day...

   My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.

   Pro tip: Fill the piñata with ketchup and you never have to host a children’s birthday party again. You’re welcome

   I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters

   Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

   That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.

   ME: welcome to my man cave. PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.

   Distancing from people & not going out. Drinking too much coffee in the morning. Eating and smoking too much all day. Watching too much tv. Drinking too much at night. Then the pandemic struck.

   No, things are not getting worse. They are just getting more obvious.

   My gardening skills improved since the quarantine. I planted myself on the sofa in April and have grown bigger ever since...

   87% of gym members don’t even know their gym is closed

   A lie doesn't become truth, wrong doesn't become right, and evil doesn't become good, just because it's accepted by a majority.