Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 1 of 5968

   messageicon Keys just don't make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
←Rate | 01-19-2020 08:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The paleo diet is to eat only foods cavemen would have eaten. So, fruity pebbles, cocoa pebbles, the oatmeal with little dinosaur eggs, etc.
←Rate | 01-14-2020 11:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I eat a banana like corn on the cob so no one gets the wrong idea.
←Rate | 01-19-2020 08:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I thought I liked movies but it turns out I just like eating candy in dark rooms where no one can talk to me
←Rate | 01-21-2020 02:59 by Rickster Comments (0)  

   messageicon *Drops French fry in the crevice of car seat* Join your brothers and sisters sweet child
←Rate | 01-14-2020 11:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm 39 and I still don't know where to look when the dentist is working on my teeth.
←Rate | 01-19-2020 08:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I walked in on my 13 year old boy watching YouTube videos and I was mortified... What kind of psychopath watches Bob Ross at 13?
←Rate | 01-13-2020 06:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Hello, my name's Drew and I'm an addict" "Sir, this is a cheese counter"
←Rate | 01-19-2020 08:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon 93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
←Rate | 01-19-2020 08:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon About to pull these steaks off the grill. It's my neighbor's grill, but he went inside and I don't think he can see me...
←Rate | 01-20-2020 09:01 by Gabe Comments (0)  

   messageicon It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
←Rate | 01-19-2020 08:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
←Rate | 01-21-2020 10:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Yesterday in my nude yoga class I had all my students stand behind me so I could show them the proper technique of the downward dog position, not one student showed up for class this morning.
←Rate | 01-19-2020 08:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
←Rate | 01-19-2020 08:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
←Rate | 01-19-2020 08:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Rise and shine! Make the most of your day! And smile your way through your day!.... just reading the back of the Kellogg's Raisin Bran box.
←Rate | 01-20-2020 09:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think I’ve finally perfected the art of silent criticism, though you wouldn’t know it
←Rate | 01-21-2020 20:18 by Rickster Comments (0)  

   messageicon My concerns with anything having to do with the Royal Family ended in 1776.
←Rate | 01-15-2020 16:50 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

   messageicon You'd be surprised at how quick Lowe's employees help you after ignoring you for 20 minutes when you try to start a chainsaw...
←Rate | 10-11-2019 09:10 by Gabe Comments (1)  

   messageicon Since I'm getting older I've been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or chain smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?
←Rate | 01-13-2020 09:49 Comments (0)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left