Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Living well is the best revenge" Me: *googles second best revenge*

   Your call is very important to us, please hold while we disconnect your call. ~ AT&T

   According to my chocolate calendar, there are only three days left until Valentine’s Day.

   When today’s safety meeting is about what you did yesterday.

   Places finger on cop’s lips ~ “Shhh…. We were both speeding, okay? I forgive you.”

   Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake.

   That moment when you miss one step on the stairs, and you think you’re about to die.

   When you see your-self as Robin Hood, Prince of Jokes. Stealing from group to feed another, spreading joy across the land.

   Wonder if the skulls of your enemies are dishwasher safe. Asking for a friend.

   2020 We aren’t allowed to go in public. 2022 We can’t afford to go in public.

   My favorite part of winter is when it’s over.

   Start each day with a positive thought like; “in 16 hours, I can go back to bed.”

   You can’t change someone who doesn’t see an issue with their actions.

   Old computer games couldn’t be won, they just got harder and faster until you died. Just like in real life.

   An elderly woman was walking her dog when a young man grabbed her purse and ran away. I asked if she was okay. She said, “it’s no big deal really, I only carry that old purse to put my dog’s poop in it.”

   IKEA needs to provide better descriptions on their furniture like, what is the divorce rate on assembling this 8-drawer dresser.

   You’re the reason God created the middle finger.

   When your fart smells like death and you’re waiting for your friend to smell it.

   Her: Undress me with your words. Him: There’s a spider in your bra.

   If you had a scratch and sniff map of the world, what would your current location smell like?