Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or profile.

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   messageicon Siri, how many calories does digging your own grave burn?
←Rate | 02-10-2016 11:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Causing a scene runs in my family.
←Rate | 02-10-2016 11:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Don't be shy, send that 12th unanswered text." --Tequila
←Rate | 02-07-2016 03:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I drive safer when there's food on the passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there.
←Rate | 02-06-2016 18:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't understand why people have to "get ready" for bed....I'm always ready for bed.
←Rate | 02-10-2016 04:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I want dogs to be allowed at more places and I want children under 8 to not be.
←Rate | 02-07-2016 03:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife is going to the hair salon today. For the next few hours I'll be practicing my reaction.
←Rate | 02-09-2016 14:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I arrive at work, how long can I spend screaming in my car before it becomes weird?
←Rate | 11-03-2015 08:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.
←Rate | 02-07-2016 21:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How to be grown up at work, replace "F*ck You" with "Ok, Great".
←Rate | 02-06-2016 01:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon They say men think about sex every 7 seconds, so when I eat a hotdog I try to finish it in 6 seconds so it doesn’t get awkward.
←Rate | 02-06-2016 07:32 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you can't remember my name, just say 'donuts'.... I'll turn around and look.
←Rate | 01-22-2016 07:23 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do you enjoy interacting with people?” “Nope” “Great, you’re hired!” – DMV interview process.
←Rate | 01-28-2016 12:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.
←Rate | 01-22-2016 08:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Success is a little like wrestling a gorilla. You don’t quit when you’re tired. You quit when the gorilla is tired.
←Rate | 02-09-2016 14:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I came home from the gym this morning staggering and sweating after pushing my body to the limit … And all I did was sign up.
←Rate | 02-09-2016 14:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Let's see if there are an emotionally stable women tonight on The Bachelor. Nope, not tonight.
←Rate | 02-08-2016 20:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You gotta go for personality, guys.... They'll ALL look like grandma someday,,
←Rate | 04-11-2012 06:54 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think we should line up all the presidential candidates and see which one a dog doesn't bark at. That person should become president.
←Rate | 01-26-2016 13:49 by Nipper Comments (3)  

   messageicon Difficult to call it a "botched execution" unless he suffered longer than his victim.
←Rate | 04-30-2014 19:35 Comments (0)  

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