Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
←Rate | 09-16-2020 08:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
←Rate | 09-14-2020 15:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m the guy in charge of making the room smell nasty in the Glade commercials.
←Rate | 09-16-2020 08:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Amazon has been approved for drone delivery. We now have skeet shooting with prizes.
←Rate | 09-15-2020 15:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
←Rate | 09-16-2020 08:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The world has indeed changed, I saw two guys put masks on to take a bag of money into a bank.
←Rate | 09-22-2020 21:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m much smarter than my dating history would lead you to believe.
←Rate | 09-16-2020 08:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How many dads do you think have their hands on their hips looking at the rain saying "We really needed this"?
←Rate | 09-23-2020 04:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
←Rate | 09-23-2020 16:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Walking around mutterin' "Damn kids" while turning down the thermostat. The Walking Dad
←Rate | 09-23-2020 04:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
←Rate | 09-23-2020 16:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Due to all that's happened so far this year, I have no choice but to deduct 2 stars from my original TripAdvisor review of Earth.
←Rate | 08-13-2020 09:53 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

   messageicon The further a society drifts from the truth, The more it will hate those who speak it...
←Rate | 08-16-2020 11:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
←Rate | 09-10-2020 16:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
←Rate | 09-17-2020 07:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pro Tip: Adopt a retired drug dog to help find fun friends at parties.
←Rate | 08-31-2020 04:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
←Rate | 09-17-2020 15:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
←Rate | 08-10-2020 08:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A lie doesn't become truth, wrong doesn't become right, and evil doesn't become good, just because it's accepted by a majority.
←Rate | 07-23-2020 20:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I applied for a job at Bed Bath & Beyond. They put me in the Beyond department.
←Rate | 09-06-2020 16:30 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

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