Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ‪I need a tax person who’s not afraid of prison. ‬

   My noise reduction feature on my new hearing aid dosen't work..... I can still hear my wife yapping.

   Let me guess, that speech in Ohio is how every mature adult should act like, right?

   At my age, I still do dumb stuff, but only slower.

   The current generation should be called mushrooms because they've been fed crap and kept in the dark

   Too many of environmentally friendly philosophers in the world and not enough people willing to bend over to pick up a piece of garbage.

   As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I'm sure of.... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation..

   Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.

   If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.

   I'm so old that the only room I can go into and remember why is the bathroom.

   That Jussie dude sounds like such an A-hole you'd think he could have just gotten beat up based on his personality.

   I read this article earlier..that said.."cows have four stomachs"...and I wondered if anyone had checked this?..because it sounds like the sort of thing a cow would come out with to get more food?

   Don't accept any friend requests from Taco Bell.. they're nacho friends

   Ironic that my kids can't remember to say the "please" word but boy do they remember the word I used that one time in heavy traffic last year.

   I wish people who say 'thanks, but no thanks' would make up their mind on where they stand on gratitude.

   When you're a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You've gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.

   I can't believe California hasn't figured out that all they have to do is ban wildfires

   Remember: Every single frozen corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person. Stay lazy, my friends.

   Worse thing about flirting with disaster is when disaster turns away and says, "Ew."

   Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to a 7 yr old silently standing in the bed over me at 5AM