Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I came walking in from the kitchen, and asked my niece for the phonebook. She laughed and called me an antique, Then proceded to gave me her phone.Long story short, the spider's dead, and she's in the living room crying.
←Rate | 07-20-2017 19:41 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  


   messageicon Politicians are people who have too little an amount of morals and ethics to remain lawyers.
←Rate | 07-21-2017 10:53 by Mickey Comments (0)  


   messageicon Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
←Rate | 07-19-2017 07:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn't talk much and I like that.
←Rate | 07-25-2017 08:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Pizza is like sex, even when it's good it smells like cheese.
←Rate | 07-25-2017 11:46 by Abeetz Comments (0)  


   messageicon Shouldn't there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel's mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"
←Rate | 07-11-2017 09:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wish people in this world would put as much effort into earning respect as they do demanding it.
←Rate | 07-20-2017 08:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.
←Rate | 07-19-2017 07:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I love dieting I'm actually on 4 diets: Chinese, American, Italian and Mexican.
←Rate | 07-10-2017 17:03 by Aerotim Comments (0)  


   messageicon Patriot Act(342 pages) isn't patriotic. The Affordable Care Act(20,000 pages) isn't affordable, and The Net Neutrality Act(400 pages) won't be neutral. When the government tries to spin something as good, you should expect the exact opposite.
←Rate | 07-24-2017 10:47 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not get caught.
←Rate | 07-12-2017 09:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you don't own a dog whistle you can use two teenage girls who haven't seen each other in a month.
←Rate | 07-11-2017 09:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go
←Rate | 07-23-2017 08:28 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!
←Rate | 07-06-2017 12:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My desire to be well informed is currently in deep conflict with my need to stay sane.
←Rate | 07-09-2017 10:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon With the rise in self-driving vehicles, eventually there will a Country and Western song about your truck leaving you too.
←Rate | 06-23-2017 08:45 Comments (2)  


   messageicon Things were said. Feelings were hurt. Your car was set on fire. My point is you’re wrong & Raphael isn’t the best Ninja Turtle. Get over it.
←Rate | 07-20-2017 00:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hang out with people you want holding your hand when your heart stops.
←Rate | 05-25-2017 18:08 by Pj Comments (1)  


   messageicon I'll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
←Rate | 06-24-2017 10:10 by BEE Comments (1)  


   messageicon People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."
←Rate | 07-13-2017 09:41 Comments (0)  



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