Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it really necessary for the first square of a roll of toilet paper to be glued down?

   I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

   Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.

   I've only been on Facebooks new Dating for like 5 minutes and I've already been matched with a hammock, a new pillow top mattress, a Honda Civic and a... oh wait this is Facebook Marketplace

   Shouldn't old people drive faster than everyone else since they have less time left to waste?

   When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I've entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

   It's not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.

   I used to have a amazing social life, until some idiot talked to me into signing up for Facebook.

   My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night. Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?” Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”

   All I need is to hear those 3 special words “Want a sandwich?”

   Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.

   [A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank] Why do you think people hate us so much? "Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks."

   [At job interview] Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job. Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.

   Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.

   I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin. On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore

   "No thanks. Not this time. Nah, I'm good. I had that done last time. No thanks. No. I'll have my mechanic check that. No thanks. No thanks. No thanks. Next time. No thanks. No thanks. No thanks. I just want the oil change."

   If you say "I'm fine" while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won't believe you but they will also leave you alone.

   As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.

   I wish I lived in the 1950's, because I have a few songs I want to record about my postman.

   News update: Local teenager up at 8:00 am to wash car. Details at 11:00.