Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

   My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.

   the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations

   Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

   No, things are not getting worse. They are just getting more obvious.

   Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.

   Acknowledge many, trust few, but always paddle your own Canoe

   My body is the result of thousands of pull ups. Pull up to the donut shop Pull up to the drive thru window Pull up results for “nearest pizza buffet”

   hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a Walmart men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used

   87% of gym members don’t even know their gym is closed

   A lie doesn't become truth, wrong doesn't become right, and evil doesn't become good, just because it's accepted by a majority.

   My gardening skills improved since the quarantine. I planted myself on the sofa in April and have grown bigger ever since...

   Look, all I know is none of this sh*t was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

   I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

   I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

   It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I’m a nice person.

   Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.

   Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White and Keith Richards when we’re gone.

   Porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.

   Now would be a good time for Walmart to do an alignment on all those crooked shopping cart wheels