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Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or profile.
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   messageicon The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
←Rate | 11-18-2015 17:43 by snotty Comments (0)

   messageicon My wax museum is going to start small by focusing on famous people who look like candles.
←Rate | 02-10-2012 10:21 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)

   messageicon While drinking my afternoon coffee, I oftentimes stare out the window... and ask myself: Would prison be all that bad?
←Rate | 06-12-2012 17:20 by sully Comments (0)

   messageicon When people start a sentence with "Do you know what your problem is..." I interrupt and start telling them all my problems. They never expect that.
←Rate | 06-22-2010 05:00 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)

   messageicon Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
←Rate | 07-23-2014 20:29 by snotty Comments (0)

   messageicon Apparently "some assembly required" is IKEA for "here's a pine tree and some nails."
←Rate | 08-16-2010 15:30 Comments (1)

   messageicon When someone comments on an old picture, your first thought is, "Wow I forgot about this! Thanks for the comment." immediately before this thought: "Why was this person looking through ALL my photos??"
←Rate | 01-03-2011 17:43 Comments (0)

   messageicon I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check
←Rate | 09-14-2015 11:22 Comments (0)

   messageicon Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
←Rate | 06-26-2015 18:31 by Aaron Comments (0)

   messageicon The baby in the car next to me is either unable to control his arms or hes throwing me gang signs. I'm not taking any chances. **Locks Doors**
←Rate | 06-16-2013 21:31 by BigSarge Comments (0)

   messageicon I just found out c.ock fighting is done with roosters and now it feels like this 6 months of training has been wasted.
←Rate | 05-16-2014 02:39 by StonerDudee Comments (0)

   messageicon Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
←Rate | 07-15-2015 15:30 Comments (0)

   messageicon you know the recession is bad when wives are having sex with their husbands cause they can't afford batteries.
←Rate | 06-21-2011 00:27 by TaylorMade Comments (0)

   messageicon If you're not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you're probably boring.
←Rate | 10-13-2014 01:58 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)

   messageicon Sure it looks like an innocent candy cane now, but give me 5-7 minutes and it'll be a dagger I can take out my enemies with.
←Rate | 12-17-2011 18:35 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)

   messageicon When cats and dogs finally rise up against us, the first thing they'll do is strap Santa hats to our heads and take pictures.
←Rate | 12-10-2011 06:02 by flinnie Comments (0)

   messageicon In high school I was voted "most likely to succeed". Boy, did I prove those idiots wrong!
←Rate | 05-03-2012 11:44 by SEAN Comments (0)

   messageicon The woman in front of me in the checkout line wrote an actual check. I assume she then boarded her carriage and returned to her plantation.
←Rate | 04-27-2012 05:43 by Doc Noland Comments (0)

   messageicon I am very suspicious about joggers. It seems as if they are always the ones who find the bodies.
←Rate | 09-07-2010 20:40 Comments (0)

   messageicon I spent the majority of the 80's waiting on cassettes to rewind.
←Rate | 07-28-2014 09:19 Comments (0)

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