Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Tampax is the newest sponsor of NASCAR. If you're looking for tickets to the Tampon 500, I could pull some strings!
←Rate | 02-16-2020 19:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hooters is not closing per se. It's going strictly delivery. It's changing its name to "Knockers"...
←Rate | 02-15-2020 23:44 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm so old I remember when Amazon dating used to be called a mail order bride.
←Rate | 02-16-2020 06:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Can you guys give me the names of some famous athletes and prisoners? I'm making a pros and cons list.
←Rate | 02-16-2020 07:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Chalkboards are a remarkable invention.
←Rate | 02-16-2020 20:35 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Look. I sent you a friend request because you're hot. Not because I wanna buy your CBD oil.
←Rate | 02-17-2020 06:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've resigned myself to the fact that if I start now, I'll have all my Christmas lights untangled and ready to go by December 24th.
←Rate | 02-17-2020 08:01 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

   messageicon No one warned me that being an adult was mostly just hurrying up to get somewhere you don't want to go in the first place.
←Rate | 08-25-2019 16:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
←Rate | 09-26-2019 13:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Her: So, are you seeing anyone? Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
←Rate | 11-24-2019 06:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was at the grocery store in the flower department and this guy picking out his own flowers said to me “It’s so crazy that you have to spend so much money on something that’s just gonna die” to which I replied “And you gotta buy them flowers”
←Rate | 08-25-2019 15:41 by PongLenis Comments (0)  

   messageicon "buttcheeks" one word or should I spread them apart?
←Rate | 10-08-2019 17:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ever notice how that toothpaste falls so easily off your brush, but you can't wash it down the drain if you wanted to...
←Rate | 01-03-2020 20:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My neighbors hate me because I still haven't taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
←Rate | 02-08-2020 08:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My concerns with anything having to do with the Royal Family ended in 1776.
←Rate | 01-15-2020 16:50 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

   messageicon Bought some pre-tangled Christmas lights to save some time this year.
←Rate | 12-19-2019 07:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think I’d respect captain crunch more if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat
←Rate | 10-24-2019 14:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's hard to get out of bed but I just have to remember that the world can't revolve around me unless I'm standing.
←Rate | 11-30-2019 12:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
←Rate | 11-23-2019 07:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Cashier: do you want cash back? Me: I mean who wouldn't. There's ring of fire, I walk the line. Let's not forget his christmas album
←Rate | 12-07-2019 08:46 Comments (0)  

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