Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do you guys miss me yet?

   Trump 2024

   Does anyone know how long you can put chicken in the freezer? I put one in last night and it was dead this morning.

   I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.

   That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.

   Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.

   If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?

   My body is the result of thousands of pull ups. Pull up to the donut shop Pull up to the drive thru window Pull up results for “nearest pizza buffet”

   The further a society drifts from the truth, The more it will hate those who speak it...

   I’m really thankful I had a childhood before social media took over.

   Due to all that's happened so far this year, I have no choice but to deduct 2 stars from my original TripAdvisor review of Earth.

   Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.

   Movie Theater Tip: When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..

   A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer. That's all.

   When a kid says " Daddy, I want mommy", that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."

   Why is it that people who are the loudest about demanding respect are the ones who have done the least to earn it?

   I am not usually one to brag, but I was able to get my daily recommended calorie intake for weight loss down in just one sitting!

   The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line

   I'm having a quarintine party this weekend. None of you are invited

   "Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam