Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
←Rate | 05-25-2017 18:12 by Pj Comments (0)  

   messageicon How good am I at the sex? Imgaine a symphonic rock concert played under a fireworks show while tripping on acid. I'm the opposite of that.
←Rate | 05-24-2017 15:47 by @breakfastbeerz Comments (0)  

   messageicon Who called them "homo erectus" and not... Wait, that's actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them "homo erectus".
←Rate | 05-24-2017 15:42 by @breakfastbeerz Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why do people have to get ready for bed? I’m always ready for bed
←Rate | 05-19-2017 05:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't swim because it's never 30 minutes after the last time I ate.
←Rate | 05-23-2017 21:40 by Pj Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hang out with people you want holding your hand when your heart stops.
←Rate | 05-25-2017 18:08 by Pj Comments (0)  

   messageicon I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.
←Rate | 05-22-2017 08:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Parallel lines have so much in common, it's a shame they'll never meet
←Rate | 05-16-2017 09:51 by Dp Comments (0)  

   messageicon If the earth was flat, cats would have pushed everything off of it by now.
←Rate | 05-12-2017 10:18 by koolfingaz Comments (11)  

   messageicon My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.
←Rate | 05-07-2017 17:57 by Gump Comments (0)  

   messageicon Live such that when the mortician prepares you for your funeral, he must struggle to get that grin off your face.
←Rate | 05-08-2017 22:51 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet - you can hide, but you can't run.
←Rate | 05-13-2017 08:50 by Barkley Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Can't adult today". That's cute 22 year old. Get a mortgage, manage a 401k, have a couple kids, then get back to me about being an adult.
←Rate | 05-24-2017 15:50 by @breakfastbeerz Comments (0)  

   messageicon You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
←Rate | 05-22-2017 02:30 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Woke up this morning thinking "It's great to be alive!" Pulled in to work thinking "Just shoot me now....."
←Rate | 05-23-2017 10:39 by Popparay Comments (0)  

   messageicon [me, at the gym] I never expected to die like this
←Rate | 05-22-2017 02:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'd be willing to bet that the gambling addiction hotline would work better if every fifth caller was a winner.
←Rate | 04-13-2017 08:44 by MK Comments (0)  

   messageicon Girlfriend: Mick, I'm miserable in our relationship. Me: FOR REAL? Girlfriend: Yes. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I've lost 10 lbs. Me: So you're saying it's over? Girlfriend: Well, not yet. I wanna lose 15.
←Rate | 05-15-2017 09:18 by Mick Comments (0)  

   messageicon I like people. I just don't want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
←Rate | 04-15-2017 02:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Allowed a stray cat to come in, it's crazy and hates hugs, I'm also 95% sure it's a raccoon.
←Rate | 07-30-2016 05:36 Comments (0)  

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