Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone seems so normal until you become Facebook friends with them.

   I wonder if my dog always follows me into the bathroom when I have to go potty because I always follow him outside when he does and he just thinks that’s how it works

   Someone greased my downward spiral.

   you know your farts really stink when the dog get up and leaves the room

   shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

   I used the entire box of tissues to blow my nose at my therapist's office to make a point about her switching to a subpar generic brand and instead of apologizing about the tissues all she could talk about is some idea that I'm passive aggressive.

   I've slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

   shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

   Some things are better left unsaid Tequila - No they're not

   Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.

   Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars - might recommend.* *mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can

   "My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college" #SpoiledKidsComplaints

   I wish I was a manager at Disneyland. I'd start every meeting by saying "What kind of a Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"

   If you were surprised by jeffrey Epstein's suicide, just imagine how surprised he was!

   When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.

   WOW! I can't believe the Guard who was guarding Jeffery Epstein was killed in an automobile accident - Tomorrow or Monday!

   I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

   Police in Florida have arrested a man who said he finally achieved his goal of shoplifting in all 50 states. You know what you call someone who steals from all 50 states? Congressman.

   Get rid of the "quality check" section on the Domino's pizza tracker. I know what I'm getting myself into here.

   Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it's the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.