Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

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   messageicon Anyway, I didn't see a debate. I saw two grumpy old married people arguing at Wal Mart.
←Rate | 09-29-2016 11:21 by Fazzella Comments (0)  

   messageicon A woman's crazy is like an iceberg. 90% of it is not visible.
←Rate | 09-29-2016 13:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
←Rate | 09-29-2016 15:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Where are you?" must be the least used phrase in sign language
←Rate | 09-29-2016 16:17 by Joseph Robert Comments (0)  

   messageicon there is a room in hell where they play an endless loop of every time you told someone you loved them and they didn't say it back
←Rate | 09-28-2016 14:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Of the 33,000 deleted emails, I think 32,000 of them were confirmation emails from Amazon for pant-suit purchases.
←Rate | 09-26-2016 22:53 by Gil Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hope tonight's the night when we'll finally see a presidential candidate make the jerk-off motion while the other candidate is speaking.
←Rate | 09-26-2016 14:39 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon If only someone on the internet would give me their opinion on the election.
←Rate | 09-28-2016 20:06 by Snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon All I'm saying is, would it have killed Star Wars to give the audience a peek at the Death Star cafeteria?
←Rate | 09-28-2016 20:19 by Snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon "This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
←Rate | 03-26-2016 14:36 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's ALLOWED not ALOUD you moron.
←Rate | 09-26-2016 22:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It should be made legal to strangle people to death who ruin Facebook wallposts because they didn't get the sarcasm so post a serious reply.
←Rate | 04-20-2013 13:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.
←Rate | 04-11-2014 15:51 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don't get orange..... P.S. No weirdos.
←Rate | 04-16-2016 08:19 by Snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Be careful, Loneliness is dangerous. It's addicting . Once you see how peaceful it is, you don't wanna deal with people ever again.
←Rate | 04-10-2015 03:32 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Whenever I see hitchhikers, I just pretend they're telling me that I'm doing a great job driving.
←Rate | 09-22-2012 11:32 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If steroids and other performance enhancing drugs are illegal for athletes, shouldn't Photoshop be illegal for models?
←Rate | 12-30-2011 11:39 by Czovczov Comments (0)  

   messageicon The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
←Rate | 09-14-2012 23:57 by StonerDudee Comments (3)  

   messageicon Box wine? I prefer the term Cardboardeaux.
←Rate | 08-27-2012 11:40 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wear glasses because I like to dramatically remove them to display anger. It was awkward doing that with contact lenses
←Rate | 10-19-2011 10:52 by flinnie Comments (0)  

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