Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating
Filter On | Filter Off

Search Messages:
Page: 1 of 5430

   messageicon Nice try, generic Cap'n Crunch, but the roof of my mouth isn't bleeding....
←Rate | 10-19-2016 05:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.
←Rate | 10-19-2016 18:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "My vote is for sale. Anyone want to one up Madonna? I'm taking offers..."
←Rate | 10-20-2016 22:15 by Smeebert Comments (0)  

   messageicon A buddy of mine is making a documentary about white trash, not sure if it's any good, I've only seen the trailer
←Rate | 10-21-2016 04:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Password security questions allow me to relive all of my childhood traumas. "Who stood you up for Senior Prom and how did your first dog die?"
←Rate | 10-21-2016 05:11 by unknown comic Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some people are only lovable online and should never be met in real life.
←Rate | 10-21-2016 03:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Your significance or importance on this planet must never be determined by another human being other than you.
←Rate | 10-21-2016 03:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hangman is a great tool to teach children that if you can't spell a word, someone could lose their life because of their ignorance
←Rate | 10-21-2016 05:20 by unknown comic Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
←Rate | 10-19-2016 05:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
←Rate | 10-15-2016 21:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.
←Rate | 10-15-2016 21:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wish most of you SOBs would go find a political blog somewhere else to post your do-do
←Rate | 10-13-2016 23:27 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I drink to forget that I accidentally once said " I love you" when ending a call with a customer service rep.
←Rate | 10-19-2016 05:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave..
←Rate | 10-15-2016 05:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Every time I start to feel happy I remember the shingles virus is already inside me.
←Rate | 10-14-2016 19:13 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's not the people who vote that counts, it's the people who count the votes!
←Rate | 10-20-2016 16:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just saved a ton of $ on Christmas presents by discussing politics on FB.
←Rate | 10-18-2016 11:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
←Rate | 03-26-2016 14:36 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon This is not what adulthood looked like in the brochure.
←Rate | 03-28-2016 11:31 by Czovczov Comments (0)  

   messageicon Not to interrupt your story, but do you have a completely different and possibly shorter story?
←Rate | 03-26-2016 19:06 by Aaron Comments (0)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left