Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

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   messageicon I wish I were full of tacos instead of emotions.
←Rate | 07-24-2016 07:38 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  

   messageicon Nobody on Instagram wants to see your text messages.
←Rate | 07-28-2016 20:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "I've never seen The Notebook or a single episode of Grey's Anatomy." -Me, flirting
←Rate | 07-28-2016 20:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon On a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
←Rate | 07-28-2016 20:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I want a man cave, but for women. Still stocked in video games, booze, license plates, and awesome stuff on the wall but with a scented candle.
←Rate | 07-28-2016 20:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pleasant, 40ish, female seeks zany caper. Skills include the ability to identify ideas that are so crazy, they just might work.
←Rate | 07-28-2016 20:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sesame Street fired 3 of its human actors. Don't say Donald Trump didn't warn us about good American jobs going to Muppets.
←Rate | 07-28-2016 20:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If the moon is made of cheese why aren't stars made of crackers?
←Rate | 07-28-2016 20:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'll see you and your popcorn ceiling in Hell!!!
←Rate | 07-28-2016 20:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Me At Job Interview: "And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?"
←Rate | 07-28-2016 20:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Last date I had she got KFC grease on my car seats.
←Rate | 07-28-2016 20:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My vagina is my temple. I respect it. Keep it clean. Dress it in ornate decor. People take their shoes off before they enter. Seats 350.
←Rate | 07-28-2016 20:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Only god, my parents, the court system, our government, my coworkers, that cute starbucks guy, and the rest of the world can judge me....
←Rate | 07-28-2016 20:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just want someone to look at me like I look at bubble wrap.
←Rate | 07-28-2016 20:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's been 3 years since I gave myself 1year to live after self diagnosing on WebMD and I'm still here defying the odds everyone. WINNING!
←Rate | 07-28-2016 22:06 by Snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
←Rate | 07-29-2016 00:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I was little we didn't have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.
←Rate | 07-24-2016 07:39 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Go fund me = internet panhandling
←Rate | 07-25-2016 12:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs... I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber.
←Rate | 07-28-2016 11:34 by udit Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm known all over the world for my exaggerations.
←Rate | 07-24-2016 00:23 by floating rock Comments (0)  

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