Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon my new years resolution is to try to actually finish someth
←Rate | 01-06-2018 01:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents' house
←Rate | 01-01-2018 20:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon On new year's eve while counting down the last 10 seconds, I lift my left leg so I'll start the new year out on the right foot.
←Rate | 01-02-2018 04:10 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon If we aren't supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?
←Rate | 01-02-2018 20:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It’s time for a new holiday, where people give gifts they don’t want.
←Rate | 01-01-2018 04:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.
←Rate | 12-29-2017 07:57 by Funny Comments (1)  


   messageicon Watching Friday the 13th. A load of awful make-up on brain-dead zombies. Oh wait. Sorry, wrong channel. This is "The View".
←Rate | 01-13-2018 11:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I must be getting old. Since when does 2 to 4 inches of snow become a winter storm warning? Back when I was a kid, we just called flurries, and we complained it wasn't enough to even have a good snowball fight, let along close schools.
←Rate | 12-24-2017 18:25 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (2)  


   messageicon Just had ice cream without sprinkles on top. Diets are so hard.
←Rate | 01-02-2018 16:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
←Rate | 11-22-2017 02:45 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter.
←Rate | 12-30-2017 21:09 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
←Rate | 12-04-2017 12:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why is it that people who are the loudest about demanding respect are the ones who have done the least to earn it?
←Rate | 09-27-2017 07:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I text I use the word duck a lot. Mainly because auto-correct is a ditch.
←Rate | 12-29-2017 07:39 Comments (3)  


   messageicon I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.
←Rate | 12-20-2017 05:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I’m “you can only play video games on channel 3” years old.
←Rate | 12-11-2017 04:37 by huck Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's so cold outside, I just accidentally keyed someone's car with my nipples.
←Rate | 01-01-2018 07:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let's just keep it in the carton, ok?
←Rate | 01-02-2018 19:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I need to start eating healthy but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so its not there to tempt me
←Rate | 01-10-2018 04:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just ate a box of stove top stuffing in my underwear while laying on the couch. So if you're looking to me for something inspirational, you should probably look elsewhere.
←Rate | 01-02-2018 12:40 by JohnY Comments (0)  



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