Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon You can't make this stuff up? Actually, you can... it's called lying.
←Rate | 10-16-2017 08:23 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
←Rate | 10-18-2017 10:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Have you ever heard of the theory that if you smell an onion while chewing an apple that it taste like an onion? Words of wisdom, don't chew gum in the restroom
←Rate | 10-17-2017 07:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Its true, Alcohol kills people. But on the bright side, if it wasn't for alcohol half my friend probably would have never been born.
←Rate | 10-16-2017 23:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon That time you used the flashlight on your phone to help look for your phone
←Rate | 10-17-2017 23:54 by Roach2001 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Love when I tell a cat owner I'm allergic and they look at me like I just confessed to a series of truck stop homicides.
←Rate | 10-17-2017 06:07 by unknowncomic Comments (0)  

   messageicon I often get a "yes" from women...but it's usually followed by..."that's him officer"
←Rate | 10-19-2017 10:17 by Trueman Comments (0)  

   messageicon How to look like a productive hubby. Add things to your to do list that dosen't need to be done. So you'll have things crossed off when your wife checks the list.
←Rate | 10-18-2017 01:00 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just saw my auto insurance agent use a calculator to calculate 2017-2013 to show me it's been 4 years......... time for a new insurance company. 😅
←Rate | 10-17-2017 23:39 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon So the Boy Scouts are going to let girls join. Teenage boys and girls camping in the woods together. What could possibly go wrong?
←Rate | 10-12-2017 07:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hope you people realise that black or white, they are soldiers and should be treated with respect no matter the color.
←Rate | 10-18-2017 18:26 Comments (3)  

   messageicon If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
←Rate | 10-10-2017 08:05 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Watching all these Hollywood people pretend they didnt know about Weinstein is some of the best acting they’ve done in years
←Rate | 10-12-2017 13:30 by CrackY Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.
←Rate | 09-25-2017 18:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.
←Rate | 09-21-2017 08:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Elevator music bothers me on many levels
←Rate | 10-18-2017 12:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.
←Rate | 09-28-2017 21:26 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those medications.
←Rate | 09-21-2017 07:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon No matter how much you push the envelope - it'll still be stationery.
←Rate | 09-29-2017 09:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I miss that feeling you'd get at the video store when you discovered the movie you wanted to rent was available.
←Rate | 09-24-2017 10:13 Comments (0)  

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