Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.

   Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

   I’m the guy in charge of making the room smell nasty in the Glade commercials.

   Amazon has been approved for drone delivery. We now have skeet shooting with prizes.

   A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.

   The world has indeed changed, I saw two guys put masks on to take a bag of money into a bank.

   I’m much smarter than my dating history would lead you to believe.

   How many dads do you think have their hands on their hips looking at the rain saying "We really needed this"?

   Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.

   Walking around mutterin' "Damn kids" while turning down the thermostat. The Walking Dad

   I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.

   Due to all that's happened so far this year, I have no choice but to deduct 2 stars from my original TripAdvisor review of Earth.

   The further a society drifts from the truth, The more it will hate those who speak it...

   Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.

   I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

   Pro Tip: Adopt a retired drug dog to help find fun friends at parties.

   That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.

   My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.

   A lie doesn't become truth, wrong doesn't become right, and evil doesn't become good, just because it's accepted by a majority.

   I applied for a job at Bed Bath & Beyond. They put me in the Beyond department.