Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you ever jacked off to my pic you owe me like $5

   Start each day with a positive thought like; “in 16 hours, I can go back to bed.”

   Tried being normal once, it was the most boring ten minutes of my life.

   If you had a scratch and sniff map of the world, what would your current location smell like?

   The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years without a brain is good news for you.

   Be wary of half-truths, you may get the wrong half.

   Zuckerberg is responsible for my multiple profile disorder.

   Me: My dog is probably thinking about other dogs. My dog: “What was Scar’s name before he got that scar?”

   Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile, I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell in the floor.

   Sometimes the universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still stupid.

   It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while, to remind yourself why you don’t go out.

   How about taco Wednesday’s, no one has ever done that before.

   They’re not red flags, they’re fun facts about me.

   Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall. It took me a moment to realize that they meant autumn, and not the collapse of civilization.

   All my updates come with an extra helping of cornbread dressing. While supplies last.

   I can do all things through spite, which strengthens me.

   Apparently, “the vibes are off” isn’t a good enough excuse to leave work early.

   The older I get, the less life in prison is a deterrent.

   May life treat you the way you treat waiters and animals.

   My phone is always in my hand. So, if you think I’m ignoring you, I am.