Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon it really necessary for the first square of a roll of toilet paper to be glued down?
←Rate | 11-01-2019 11:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
←Rate | 10-23-2019 04:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
←Rate | 11-11-2019 08:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've only been on Facebooks new Dating for like 5 minutes and I've already been matched with a hammock, a new pillow top mattress, a Honda Civic and a... oh wait this is Facebook Marketplace
←Rate | 10-26-2019 09:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Shouldn't old people drive faster than everyone else since they have less time left to waste?
←Rate | 10-15-2019 11:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I've entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
←Rate | 10-20-2019 12:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.
←Rate | 11-06-2019 13:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I used to have a amazing social life, until some idiot talked to me into signing up for Facebook.
←Rate | 11-01-2019 12:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night. Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?” Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
←Rate | 10-31-2019 12:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon All I need is to hear those 3 special words “Want a sandwich?”
←Rate | 10-17-2019 05:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
←Rate | 10-09-2019 15:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon [A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank] Why do you think people hate us so much? "Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks."
←Rate | 10-23-2019 15:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon [At job interview] Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job. Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
←Rate | 10-25-2019 11:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
←Rate | 11-07-2019 10:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin. On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
←Rate | 10-30-2019 12:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "No thanks. Not this time. Nah, I'm good. I had that done last time. No thanks. No. I'll have my mechanic check that. No thanks. No thanks. No thanks. Next time. No thanks. No thanks. No thanks. I just want the oil change."
←Rate | 11-17-2019 10:53 by BobBogin Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you say "I'm fine" while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won't believe you but they will also leave you alone.
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
←Rate | 10-31-2019 12:06 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I wish I lived in the 1950's, because I have a few songs I want to record about my postman.
←Rate | 10-04-2019 15:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon News update: Local teenager up at 8:00 am to wash car. Details at 11:00.
←Rate | 10-16-2019 08:23 Comments (0)  

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