Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thx for thinking of me Amazon, but I really only needed that one washing machine part, not one every time I log in...

   Where did we go wrong when in 1969 we could send a man all the way to the Moon and be in perfect contact with them, when in 2019 I cant walking to the next room without losing your cell phone signal.

   "I don't have anywhere else to be, and this bag of lettuce is really interesting. I'll read every word on the back of it and then I'll put it back on the shelf." . . The person in front of me at the grocery store

   The police want to interview me. Funny, I don't remember sending them my resume.

   My wife is mad at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I *am* getting pretty tired of carrying it around all the time.

   I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I'm Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.

   If a Fire-Fighter's career can go up in smoke, and a plumber's career can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off?

   I always ask if I can pay in bitcoins now, not because I have any but because I want to be cool

   Zoning out is your brain’s way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”

   My life is like when you're holding your laundry and a sock falls and you go to pick it up and two more fall and eventually everything is on the floor.

   The Bachelor is the show that answers the question "How much wine do you have to drink until you think the guy making out with twenty different women would make a good husband?"

   You had me at "We'll make it look like an accident."

   I was so drunk last night the cops pulled somebody over on T.V and I put my beer under the couch.

   I know there are idiot Savants, but are there Savant idiots ?.. Because lately stupid people sure do think they are smart !

   I have my doubts about all these new "smart waters" considering how easily they were captured and bottled

   Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.

   I'm at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I'm usually fine with going home.

   Watching all these Hollywood people pretend they didnt know about Weinstein is some of the best acting they’ve done in years

   remember the time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate?

   People don't want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.