Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   to the people who put antlers and a red rudolph nose on your car for christmas, you can’t fool me I know that’s a car

   Husband: We need to stop spending so much money. Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.

   I can't wait for Biden's tell-all book to come out. It's titled "You know, the thing.."

   My body is the result of thousands of pull ups. Pull up to the donut shop Pull up to the drive thru window Pull up results for “nearest pizza buffet”

   The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.

   Out of all my body parts, my eyeballs are in the best shape because I roll them like 300 times a day...

   Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.

   "Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam

   I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

   Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs? Nobody works at Walmart?

   The further a society drifts from the truth, The more it will hate those who speak it...

   Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.

   My five year plan is to make it through this year.

   We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.

   Mama Bear: The porridge is ready Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours

   I sometimes wonder when I turn on the news if I'm watching breaking news about the Coronavirus or if they've playing the same broadcast on repeat since March?

   A lie doesn't become truth, wrong doesn't become right, and evil doesn't become good, just because it's accepted by a majority.

   Don’t adopt a puppy to see if you’re ready for kids. Adopt a homeless guy with diarrhea & a bunch of stories that don’t go anywhere.

   With the way 2020 has been going I couldn't decide last night if I wanted to sit outside to watch the meteorite shower or take cover.

   Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.