Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That moment when you're tired and sleepy, and you drag yourself to bed but then your brain says, "Ha ha, just kidding!" I hate that.

   It's a good thing that not everyone owns a smartphone..Someone has to HONK when the light turns green.

   So showing up at the bank with a mask and gloves is okay now

   Purell is the most expensive bottle of alcohol in the country.

   Lori Loughlin is wondering how the Coronavirus got into Princeton and her kid didn’t.

   Which fast food place has the softest napkins? Asking for a friend.

   87% of gym members don’t even know their gym is closed

   Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White and Keith Richards when we’re gone.

   Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.

   That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.

   To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you're happy now!!!

   With the rise in self-driving vehicles, eventually there will a Country and Western song about your truck leaving you too.

   It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I’m a nice person.

   Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to a 7 yr old silently standing in the bed over me at 5AM

   Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.

   Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return. ~Me flirting

   hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a Walmart men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used

   If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.

   it me or do the birds and critters seem so much louder now - like their taunting us?

   Someone told me they never understood the concept of cloning, I replied "That makes two of us"