Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Keys just don't make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.

   The paleo diet is to eat only foods cavemen would have eaten. So, fruity pebbles, cocoa pebbles, the oatmeal with little dinosaur eggs, etc.

   I eat a banana like corn on the cob so no one gets the wrong idea.

   I thought I liked movies but it turns out I just like eating candy in dark rooms where no one can talk to me

   *Drops French fry in the crevice of car seat* Join your brothers and sisters sweet child

   I'm 39 and I still don't know where to look when the dentist is working on my teeth.

   I walked in on my 13 year old boy watching YouTube videos and I was mortified... What kind of psychopath watches Bob Ross at 13?

   "Hello, my name's Drew and I'm an addict" "Sir, this is a cheese counter"

   93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.

   About to pull these steaks off the grill. It's my neighbor's grill, but he went inside and I don't think he can see me...

   It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.

   You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

   Yesterday in my nude yoga class I had all my students stand behind me so I could show them the proper technique of the downward dog position, not one student showed up for class this morning.

   I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

   a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon

   Rise and shine! Make the most of your day! And smile your way through your day!.... just reading the back of the Kellogg's Raisin Bran box.

   I think I’ve finally perfected the art of silent criticism, though you wouldn’t know it

   My concerns with anything having to do with the Royal Family ended in 1776.

   You'd be surprised at how quick Lowe's employees help you after ignoring you for 20 minutes when you try to start a chainsaw...

   Since I'm getting older I've been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or chain smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?