Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

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   messageicon RIP Gene. You made people laugh even when you had no lines to speak. Your face was so expressive.
←Rate | 08-30-2016 07:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The man in the toilet stall next to me sounds like he’s pushing a car up a hill and not making any headway.
←Rate | 08-14-2016 02:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ironically, Seattle's Marco Polo Motel does not have a pool.
←Rate | 08-30-2016 20:58 by Snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
←Rate | 08-11-2016 18:22 by Snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wanted a candy bar but instead I did the right thing and ate an apple, with some walnuts and caramel topping.
←Rate | 07-13-2016 22:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon someone stole my mood ring....and I'm just not sure how I feel about that
←Rate | 08-30-2016 06:45 by Snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm so tired,,, United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
←Rate | 08-24-2016 20:30 by Snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon If my boss interrupts my nap one more time I'm going to HR.
←Rate | 08-01-2016 19:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Death by school supplies shopping.
←Rate | 08-05-2016 05:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you're going to take a group selfie photo.
←Rate | 08-27-2016 14:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Before social media, what did people who desperately crave attention do? Did they have to contribute something of importance to humankind?
←Rate | 08-27-2016 14:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Nobody wakes up and thinks, "If I play my cards just right today, by 9:05 PM I'll be eating ice cream straight from the carton with a fork."
←Rate | 08-27-2016 14:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon 9 year old: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn't even know the bride until after they're married..... Me: That's every culture son.
←Rate | 08-11-2016 18:39 by Snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm going paperless at home but it's presenting a real problem in the bathroom.
←Rate | 08-12-2016 19:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So if your invited to someone's 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?
←Rate | 11-09-2014 21:26 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Brexit could be followed by Grexit, Departugal, Italeave, Czechout, Oustria, Finish, Slovakout, Latervia, Byegium. Only Remania will stay.
←Rate | 06-28-2016 23:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Legend says when you can't sleep it's because you are awake in someone else's dreams....when I find out who you are I'm going to punch you right in the face.
←Rate | 07-17-2016 04:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do I just call you or should we resolve this quickly with 200 text messages?
←Rate | 08-06-2016 14:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Grew up in the south so for me a fancy restaurant was a place that offered you the choice of biscuit or cornbread.
←Rate | 08-11-2016 05:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My 5 year old is trying to sell my own M&M's back to me. This guy's going places.
←Rate | 08-12-2016 01:55 Comments (0)  

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