Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't care how important you think you are. You should do what you learned in kindergarten and be patient and wait your turn.

   With the rise in self-driving vehicles, eventually there will a Country and Western song about your truck leaving you too.

   I have now survived 21,364 days and13 hours without using essential oils or eating kale. thank you for your prayers and support during these trying times.

   I'll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

   This generation is guilty of making the wrong people rich and famous.

   Do race horses really pee more than regular horses?

   When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think "What would my grandfather do?" Then I leave home in my underwear and shout at random strangers.

   If the earth was flat, cats would have pushed everything off of it by now.

   It's okay, you guys. People on Facebook have changed their profile pictures, sent their prayers and thoughts. So terrorism should end shortly.

   Me: Do you want to have the best sex of your life tonight? Her: No. Me: Then I'm your guy!

   Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed and it was....GREAT!

   My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

   The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.

   I'd be willing to bet that the gambling addiction hotline would work better if every fifth caller was a winner.

   Parallel lines have so much in common, it's a shame they'll never meet

   Hang out with people you want holding your hand when your heart stops.

   Why do people have to get ready for bed? I’m always ready for bed

   Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.

   My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can't stuff your face when you're sleeping.

   I don't mind helping people as long as I'm not slightly inconvenienced.