Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What doesn’t kill you, makes you kind of nervous for the rest of your life.

   Amazonesia: When you forgot what you ordered this time.

   Silent farts, deadly farts, all was calm, not for long 😂

   If you ever jacked off to my pic you owe me like $5

   If it snows, please stay home. Y’all can’t even drive when it’s sunny.

   Hey girl, are you a ketchup bottle? Because I’m gonna flip you over, hit it from the back and make you squirt.

   Twinkle, twinkle little scar; how I wonder, what put ye thar.

   I don’t think it’s a coincidence that “diet” has the word die in it.

   Me: My dog is probably thinking about other dogs. My dog: “What was Scar’s name before he got that scar?”

   Sometimes the universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still stupid.

   Be wary of half-truths, you may get the wrong half.

   Zuckerberg is responsible for my multiple profile disorder.

   Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall. It took me a moment to realize that they meant autumn, and not the collapse of civilization.

   I can do all things through spite, which strengthens me.

   How about taco Wednesday’s, no one has ever done that before.

   It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while, to remind yourself why you don’t go out.

   They’re not red flags, they’re fun facts about me.

   All my updates come with an extra helping of cornbread dressing. While supplies last.

   The older I get, the less life in prison is a deterrent.

   May life treat you the way you treat waiters and animals.