Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump
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Airport security asked me if I'd seen anything unusual. Well, I just paid eighteen dollars for a turkey sandwich and a bottle of beer, let's start with that. 
Silver Lining: A 350 credit score prevents Identity theft! just saying
it just me, or is anyone else finding it difficult to log on to dyslexics.moc?
Builds elaborate structures while playing Fortnite. Can't make own bed in real life.
Don't worry about what you eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas. You should worry about what you eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving. Have a Happy Thanksgiving. :-)
Sometimes I wrestle with my demons . . . other times they just chase me down the street after I steal money from their wallets.
I'd just like to congratulate the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table! They're basically everywhere now!
Good news for insomniacs! Only 2 more sleeps to Christmas!
If they criticize your driving, look them straight in the eye while you turn their airbag off.
Remember me in your Prayers like you do in your Gossips.
Bought some unsalted almonds by accident today. Turns out, I like salt, not almonds.
Her: "Let's watch a good horror movie tonight!" Me: "OK!" **Breaks out wedding video** And that's when the fight started...
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
If life was a YouTube video, Monday would be that annoying ad that doesn't have the "You can skip in 5 seconds" option.
I'm old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.
Statistically, a gun is much less likely to be used in a crime than a Senator.
There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.
When I text I use the word duck a lot. Mainly because auto-correct is a ditch.
Why do speed walkers look like kids who are told not to run around the pool?
Disappointment is coming home to the smell of fresh bake cookies and finding out it's just a scented candel.