Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, there is no question. I would want them to be alive.

   It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.

   For $5 I will write "yikes" under one of your ex's selfies.

   So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

   I love Halloween, it is the one day of the year people don't question my sanity.

   My safe word is "insufficient funds".

   Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you're outside and they walk by.

   YOU WANNA PIECE OF THIS!?!?! ~me, aggressively handing out cake

   Flight Attendant: "Here is the extra blanket you asked for." Me: "Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy's mouth?"

   I sometimes have a hard time determining if my weekend is a break from the work week or if the work week is a break from my weekend.

   I don't see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

   One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you're texting while driving.

   Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo. -me, reading the Pringles can.

   Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

   Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you've observed [On a date] Me: You're really good at eating

   my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they're back

   All I need is to hear those 3 special words “Want a sandwich?”

   I have a nice body. It's out in the trunk.

   I heard on the radio this morning that today is national skeptics day, but seeing as how I have no other source for that claim, I doubt it.

   If you are ever out in public and you see misbehaved kids running around - start running with them it really brings the nonsense to a halt.