Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Whenever someone tells me a Knock-Knock joke, I sit there quietly and pretend I'm not at home until they leave.
←Rate | 09-18-2018 07:42 Comments (1)  


   messageicon I'm far from distancing my self from anything.
←Rate | 09-19-2018 04:25 by Ha.ha Comments (0)  


   messageicon I really didn't need to know that Toad thing from Mario Kart.
←Rate | 09-19-2018 08:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Place an order with an energy saving catalogue co. for an economy efficient hair dryer. What I received was a bath towel.
←Rate | 09-20-2018 03:53 by Haha Comments (0)  


   messageicon No one has more to say than a woman who says she doesn't want to talk about it.
←Rate | 09-19-2018 08:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.
←Rate | 05-11-2018 22:31 by @thecatwhisperer Comments (0)  


   messageicon Maybe the mattress stores could tell us when they are NOT having a sale
←Rate | 03-28-2018 22:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.
←Rate | 02-13-2018 06:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why do speed walkers look like kids who are told not to run around the pool?
←Rate | 06-03-2018 14:11 by Jsabbage Comments (0)  


   messageicon The object of golf.... is to play the least amount of golf.
←Rate | 07-24-2018 21:01 by BobbyT Comments (0)  


   messageicon it too much to hope that my good cholesterol will be a positive influence on my bad cholesterol.
←Rate | 09-10-2018 06:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Spice things up in the bedroom by loosening the ceiling fan.
←Rate | 04-20-2018 01:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.
←Rate | 07-29-2018 20:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon In a galaxy 40 billion light years away some alien dude is saying, “but I’m not like the other guys,” while an alien lady rolls all 37 of her eyes.
←Rate | 07-08-2018 00:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It sucks being a grown up. Nobody tells you you did a good job when you eat all of your food.
←Rate | 09-17-2018 02:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon .. Laddies if a man says you're hot, he's looking at your body. If he says you're pretty, he's looking at your face. If he says you're fabulous, he's look at your brother.
←Rate | 09-19-2018 04:21 by Ha.ha Comments (3)  


   messageicon I refer to avocados a "Shrekticles" because, you know....
←Rate | 05-14-2018 12:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just swallowed a probiotic with a vodka tonic in case anyone is looking for a health coach.
←Rate | 06-12-2018 02:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Apparently it's inappropriate to show up at your therapist's home to swim in his new pool even though your "boundary issues" paid for it.
←Rate | 09-17-2018 07:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.
←Rate | 12-20-2017 08:59 Comments (1)  


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