Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was a kid, the only password you had to remember was the one that got you into the treehouse.

   Marriage tip #39 your wife won't start an argument with you if you're cleaning

   I work in Customer Service because I'm really good at apologizing for things that aren't my fault.

   We are very lucky that out of all the bodily functions that could have been contagious we got yawning.

   I wonder where Noah kept the termites on the ark.

   When I was a kid I used to have an imaginary friend, but now thanks to Facebook I have hundreds of them!

   You had me at “we have a warrant”

   You know how TV commercials for burgers places make the burger look much better in the picture than they do in real life? Yeah, that's FaceBook

   So if Carrie Underwood's injury requires 40 stitches and her face comes out looking like that, where do I sign up?

   The misuse of users’ Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress. He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

   Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space

   It’s not unusual to get Tom Jones songs stuck in your head.

   I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."

   Hardest part about watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" at this point is realizing I am one of the wah-wah-wah adults

   Good news for insomniacs! Only 2 more sleeps to Christmas!

   Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.

   Ever noticed that when you are broke, you have common sense.

   This job is really getting in the way of my naps.

   "Hi, I'm here to ruin your life" - Social media

   Ever since I installed Adblocker, I have been severely depressed. Hot singles in my area are no longer interested in me.