Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever someone tells me a Knock-Knock joke, I sit there quietly and pretend I'm not at home until they leave.

   I'm far from distancing my self from anything.

   I really didn't need to know that Toad thing from Mario Kart.

   Place an order with an energy saving catalogue co. for an economy efficient hair dryer. What I received was a bath towel.

   No one has more to say than a woman who says she doesn't want to talk about it.

   The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.

   Maybe the mattress stores could tell us when they are NOT having a sale

   Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.

   Why do speed walkers look like kids who are told not to run around the pool?

   The object of golf.... is to play the least amount of golf.

   it too much to hope that my good cholesterol will be a positive influence on my bad cholesterol.

   Spice things up in the bedroom by loosening the ceiling fan.

   I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.

   In a galaxy 40 billion light years away some alien dude is saying, “but I’m not like the other guys,” while an alien lady rolls all 37 of her eyes.

   It sucks being a grown up. Nobody tells you you did a good job when you eat all of your food.

   .. Laddies if a man says you're hot, he's looking at your body. If he says you're pretty, he's looking at your face. If he says you're fabulous, he's look at your brother.

   I refer to avocados a "Shrekticles" because, you know....

   Just swallowed a probiotic with a vodka tonic in case anyone is looking for a health coach.

   Apparently it's inappropriate to show up at your therapist's home to swim in his new pool even though your "boundary issues" paid for it.

   There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.