Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.

   How good am I at the sex? Imgaine a symphonic rock concert played under a fireworks show while tripping on acid. I'm the opposite of that.

   Who called them "homo erectus" and not... Wait, that's actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them "homo erectus".

   Why do people have to get ready for bed? I’m always ready for bed

   I don't swim because it's never 30 minutes after the last time I ate.

   Hang out with people you want holding your hand when your heart stops.

   I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.

   Parallel lines have so much in common, it's a shame they'll never meet

   If the earth was flat, cats would have pushed everything off of it by now.

   My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

   Live such that when the mortician prepares you for your funeral, he must struggle to get that grin off your face.

   To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet - you can hide, but you can't run.

   "Can't adult today". That's cute 22 year old. Get a mortgage, manage a 401k, have a couple kids, then get back to me about being an adult.

   You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.

   Woke up this morning thinking "It's great to be alive!" Pulled in to work thinking "Just shoot me now....."

   [me, at the gym] I never expected to die like this

   I'd be willing to bet that the gambling addiction hotline would work better if every fifth caller was a winner.

   Girlfriend: Mick, I'm miserable in our relationship. Me: FOR REAL? Girlfriend: Yes. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I've lost 10 lbs. Me: So you're saying it's over? Girlfriend: Well, not yet. I wanna lose 15.

   I like people. I just don't want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.

   Allowed a stray cat to come in, it's crazy and hates hugs, I'm also 95% sure it's a raccoon.