Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can you put tequila in a humidifier? Just asking for a friend.

   After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

   A Citizen's Arrest for the next person who asks me if I'm ready for Christmas.

   Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?

   HOW TO WRAP PRESENTS: - Ask somebody else to wrap presents

   The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn't already hate you...

   Christmas as a child: "Socks and Money? This is ridiculous!" Christmas as an adult: "SOCKS AND MONEY? HOW DID YOU KNOW? THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED. I LOVE YOU"

   I used to like watching dramas like the Days of Our Lives and As the World Turns, but now I have Facebook.

   I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, "In case I feel like sharing."

   Do you have tin foil? Then you have everything you need to make tin foil balls. Stay tuned for more last-minute gift ideas.

   Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.

   Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is to know what rhymes with "Hug me" Love, Robin Thicke

   By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?

   I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

   You can tell the age of an artificial Christmas tree by the lines of duct tape around the box it's stored in.

   Not to brag, but I still haven’t buttoned my pants back up from Thanksgiving.

   My phone auto-corrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer". I sent it anyways...

   The holidays are always tough on me.... One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn't up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family. Still haunts me.

   Roadside sobriety test are getting ridiculous. Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet .

   Ring = she’s married Nose ring = she’s married to a bull