Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I came walking in from the kitchen, and asked my niece for the phonebook. She laughed and called me an antique, Then proceded to gave me her phone.Long story short, the spider's dead, and she's in the living room crying.

   Politicians are people who have too little an amount of morals and ethics to remain lawyers.

   Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

   Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn't talk much and I like that.

   Pizza is like sex, even when it's good it smells like cheese.

   Shouldn't there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel's mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"

   I wish people in this world would put as much effort into earning respect as they do demanding it.

   Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.

   I love dieting I'm actually on 4 diets: Chinese, American, Italian and Mexican.

   Patriot Act(342 pages) isn't patriotic. The Affordable Care Act(20,000 pages) isn't affordable, and The Net Neutrality Act(400 pages) won't be neutral. When the government tries to spin something as good, you should expect the exact opposite.

   Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not get caught.

   If you don't own a dog whistle you can use two teenage girls who haven't seen each other in a month.

   Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go

   QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!

   My desire to be well informed is currently in deep conflict with my need to stay sane.

   With the rise in self-driving vehicles, eventually there will a Country and Western song about your truck leaving you too.

   Things were said. Feelings were hurt. Your car was set on fire. My point is you’re wrong & Raphael isn’t the best Ninja Turtle. Get over it.

   Hang out with people you want holding your hand when your heart stops.

   I'll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

   People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."