Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyway, I didn't see a debate. I saw two grumpy old married people arguing at Wal Mart.

   A woman's crazy is like an iceberg. 90% of it is not visible.

   My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

   "Where are you?" must be the least used phrase in sign language

   there is a room in hell where they play an endless loop of every time you told someone you loved them and they didn't say it back

   Of the 33,000 deleted emails, I think 32,000 of them were confirmation emails from Amazon for pant-suit purchases.

   I hope tonight's the night when we'll finally see a presidential candidate make the jerk-off motion while the other candidate is speaking.

   If only someone on the internet would give me their opinion on the election.

   All I'm saying is, would it have killed Star Wars to give the audience a peek at the Death Star cafeteria?

   "This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

   It's ALLOWED not ALOUD you moron.

   It should be made legal to strangle people to death who ruin Facebook wallposts because they didn't get the sarcasm so post a serious reply.

   Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.

   Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don't get orange..... P.S. No weirdos.

   Be careful, Loneliness is dangerous. It's addicting . Once you see how peaceful it is, you don't wanna deal with people ever again.

   Whenever I see hitchhikers, I just pretend they're telling me that I'm doing a great job driving.

   If steroids and other performance enhancing drugs are illegal for athletes, shouldn't Photoshop be illegal for models?

   The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.

   Box wine? I prefer the term Cardboardeaux.

   I wear glasses because I like to dramatically remove them to display anger. It was awkward doing that with contact lenses