Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I learned all my dance moves from the paternity test episodes on Maury Povich.
←Rate | 09-21-2017 07:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Not now honey. Daddy is busy running his social media empire.
←Rate | 09-23-2017 11:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you people can't understand that taking a knee during the national anthem is well within people's rights, as per the 1st amendment, I suggest you go to another country where protesting their flag will result in death.
←Rate | 09-23-2017 23:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The Orange man making America great again by fueling race wars.
←Rate | 09-23-2017 23:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The invitation to white house is only honorable if the occupant is also honourable. Something which the current occupant is not and can never be.
←Rate | 09-23-2017 23:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won't ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
←Rate | 09-23-2017 23:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There is a big difference between respecting the office and respecting the person holding the office. I have respect for the office. The person currently holding the office has yet to act like a person who even wants to earn my (or anyone else's) respect.
←Rate | 09-24-2017 00:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those medications.
←Rate | 09-21-2017 07:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The Bachelor is the show that answers the question "How much wine do you have to drink until you think the guy making out with twenty different women would make a good husband?"
←Rate | 09-20-2017 08:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You can't tell me what to do; you're not my demons.
←Rate | 09-18-2017 01:36 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The worst thing about parallel parking is that there are usually witnesses.
←Rate | 09-16-2017 16:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't tickle the dragon unless you're ready for the fire.
←Rate | 09-20-2017 19:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's ironic how those who bemoan being judged by their color are now the one's judging folks by their color. 1 |
←Rate | 09-23-2017 07:27 by Fact Comments (1)  

   messageicon Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.
←Rate | 09-21-2017 08:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon OK. Who decided to call it "marijuana possession" and not "joint custody"?
←Rate | 09-22-2017 07:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
←Rate | 01-11-2017 22:42 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it's an intervention.
←Rate | 05-25-2017 08:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon 5000 years of eating bread and now all of a sudden everyone's allergic to gluten? WTF?
←Rate | 08-02-2017 07:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hope when I die, it's early in the morning so I don't go to work that day for no reason.
←Rate | 04-24-2017 16:41 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I came walking in from the kitchen, and asked my niece for the phonebook. She laughed and called me an antique, Then proceded to gave me her phone.Long story short, the spider's dead, and she's in the living room crying.
←Rate | 07-20-2017 19:41 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

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