Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tampax is the newest sponsor of NASCAR. If you're looking for tickets to the Tampon 500, I could pull some strings!

   Hooters is not closing per se. It's going strictly delivery. It's changing its name to "Knockers"...

   I'm so old I remember when Amazon dating used to be called a mail order bride.

   Can you guys give me the names of some famous athletes and prisoners? I'm making a pros and cons list.

   Chalkboards are a remarkable invention.

   Look. I sent you a friend request because you're hot. Not because I wanna buy your CBD oil.

   I've resigned myself to the fact that if I start now, I'll have all my Christmas lights untangled and ready to go by December 24th.

   No one warned me that being an adult was mostly just hurrying up to get somewhere you don't want to go in the first place.

   The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.

   Her: So, are you seeing anyone? Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?

   I was at the grocery store in the flower department and this guy picking out his own flowers said to me “It’s so crazy that you have to spend so much money on something that’s just gonna die” to which I replied “And you gotta buy them flowers”

   "buttcheeks" one word or should I spread them apart?

   Ever notice how that toothpaste falls so easily off your brush, but you can't wash it down the drain if you wanted to...

   My neighbors hate me because I still haven't taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

   My concerns with anything having to do with the Royal Family ended in 1776.

   Bought some pre-tangled Christmas lights to save some time this year.

   I think I’d respect captain crunch more if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat

   It's hard to get out of bed but I just have to remember that the world can't revolve around me unless I'm standing.

   I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

   Cashier: do you want cash back? Me: I mean who wouldn't. There's ring of fire, I walk the line. Let's not forget his christmas album