Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or profile.

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   messageicon A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge
←Rate | 04-30-2016 12:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You can tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.
←Rate | 04-30-2016 12:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon John Lennon was killed by a fan. Where are those Kanye West fans when you need them?
←Rate | 04-28-2016 16:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The real problem with the upcoming election is one of them is going to win...
←Rate | 04-29-2016 08:54 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Those miniature bottles of alcohol at the liquor store should be free samples while you shop.
←Rate | 04-29-2016 07:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon With all the controversy surrounding public restrooms, I am now identifying myself as 'waiting til I get home'
←Rate | 04-30-2016 08:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The human body is 80% water, so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
←Rate | 04-02-2016 01:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart
←Rate | 03-19-2016 06:03 by MWC Comments (0)  

   messageicon Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
←Rate | 04-15-2016 05:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.
←Rate | 04-28-2016 16:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don’t just act crazy, I’ll drive you there too.
←Rate | 01-02-2016 18:42 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm single by choice. Not MY choice. But it's still a choice
←Rate | 08-21-2012 12:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.
←Rate | 04-15-2016 16:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I never sign anything until I pretend to read it first..
←Rate | 07-23-2014 13:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why don't we ever hear anyone bragging about their Allstate safe driving bonus checks?
←Rate | 02-09-2014 10:29 by Russ R Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm wondering why life keeps teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn...
←Rate | 06-26-2010 16:56 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Where did Noah keep his bees?... In the ark hives........ * Yes,, I'm showing myself out,, thanks
←Rate | 04-26-2016 18:57 by Snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon I like my women like I like my coffee....Ethically purchased from small farming cooperatives in South America and delivered to me on the back of a donkey.
←Rate | 06-18-2011 18:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There are weight limits on car seats, airlines, skydiving, military, horseback riding, kayaks, and is it there are no weight limit on high heels?
←Rate | 09-18-2010 01:39 by AT Comments (0)  

   messageicon Prison counts as a gated community, right?
←Rate | 07-19-2012 09:20 by snotty Comments (0)  

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