Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?

   Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time

   Ironic that my kids can't remember to say the "please" word but boy do they remember the word I used that one time in heavy traffic last year.

   Will Starbucks become a homeless shelter with their new store policy?

   The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.

   Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner's high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.

   ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That's ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”

   Happy hour leads to several hours of lying on the floor talking to my dog.

   hard liquor because I don't don't have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day

   Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn't have hangovers!?!

   Russia has been accused of using Facebook to win an election. That's probably the most productive thing ever done on Facebook.

   It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I'm a nice person.

   "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. " Mark Twain.

   Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can't make eye contact.

   remember moms, if you smell burnt toast you're not having a stroke...its the kids trying to make breakfast

   You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.

   Me: She really needs to calm down. Alcohol: You should tell her.

   I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?

   We all just need someone who will tie us to the bedpost and tell us everything is going to be alright.

   Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I'll be telling everyone it's from having sex while skydiving.