Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I learned all my dance moves from the paternity test episodes on Maury Povich.

   Not now honey. Daddy is busy running his social media empire.

   If you people can't understand that taking a knee during the national anthem is well within people's rights, as per the 1st amendment, I suggest you go to another country where protesting their flag will result in death.

   The Orange man making America great again by fueling race wars.

   The invitation to white house is only honorable if the occupant is also honourable. Something which the current occupant is not and can never be.

   If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won't ask you to cut the vegetables anymore

   There is a big difference between respecting the office and respecting the person holding the office. I have respect for the office. The person currently holding the office has yet to act like a person who even wants to earn my (or anyone else's) respect.

   Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those medications.

   The Bachelor is the show that answers the question "How much wine do you have to drink until you think the guy making out with twenty different women would make a good husband?"

   You can't tell me what to do; you're not my demons.

   The worst thing about parallel parking is that there are usually witnesses.

   Don't tickle the dragon unless you're ready for the fire.

   It's ironic how those who bemoan being judged by their color are now the one's judging folks by their color. 1 |

   Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.

   OK. Who decided to call it "marijuana possession" and not "joint custody"?

   I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

   Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it's an intervention.

   5000 years of eating bread and now all of a sudden everyone's allergic to gluten? WTF?

   I hope when I die, it's early in the morning so I don't go to work that day for no reason.

   I came walking in from the kitchen, and asked my niece for the phonebook. She laughed and called me an antique, Then proceded to gave me her phone.Long story short, the spider's dead, and she's in the living room crying.