Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Living well is the best revenge" Me: *googles second best revenge*

   Your call is very important to us, please hold while we disconnect your call. ~ AT&T

   Places finger on cop’s lips ~ “Shhh…. We were both speeding, okay? I forgive you.”

   Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake.

   Wonder if the skulls of your enemies are dishwasher safe. Asking for a friend.

   When you see your-self as Robin Hood, Prince of Jokes. Stealing from group to feed another, spreading joy across the land.

   Start each day with a positive thought like; “in 16 hours, I can go back to bed.”

   2020 We aren’t allowed to go in public. 2022 We can’t afford to go in public.

   You can’t change someone who doesn’t see an issue with their actions.

   Her: Undress me with your words. Him: There’s a spider in your bra.

   Tried being normal once, it was the most boring ten minutes of my life.

   You’re the reason God created the middle finger.

   If you had a scratch and sniff map of the world, what would your current location smell like?

   The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years without a brain is good news for you.

   The IRS: “Oh yeah, you can milk anything with nipples.”

   Shuts down laptop: I think that’s enough internet for today. Picks up phone: Let’s see what the pocket-sized internet is doing.

   Friend 1: I do yoga 5 days a week. Friend 2: I plan vegan meals a week in advance. Me: I eat cake over the sink, so I don’t get crumbs in my bed.

   Be wary of half-truths, you may get the wrong half.

   When they can’t control or manipulate you, they smear you. 😔

   I carry a whistle at the grocery store, in case someone tries to violate the sanctity of the 15 items or less lane.