Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Everyone seems so normal until you become Facebook friends with them.
←Rate | 08-15-2019 20:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wonder if my dog always follows me into the bathroom when I have to go potty because I always follow him outside when he does and he just thinks that’s how it works
←Rate | 08-14-2019 18:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Someone greased my downward spiral.
←Rate | 08-14-2019 18:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon you know your farts really stink when the dog get up and leaves the room
←Rate | 08-16-2019 21:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
←Rate | 08-17-2019 06:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I used the entire box of tissues to blow my nose at my therapist's office to make a point about her switching to a subpar generic brand and instead of apologizing about the tissues all she could talk about is some idea that I'm passive aggressive.
←Rate | 08-17-2019 06:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
←Rate | 08-14-2019 18:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
←Rate | 08-17-2019 06:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some things are better left unsaid Tequila - No they're not
←Rate | 08-17-2019 06:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
←Rate | 08-17-2019 06:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars - might recommend.* *mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
←Rate | 08-17-2019 06:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college" #SpoiledKidsComplaints
←Rate | 08-17-2019 06:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wish I was a manager at Disneyland. I'd start every meeting by saying "What kind of a Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"
←Rate | 08-11-2019 10:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you were surprised by jeffrey Epstein's suicide, just imagine how surprised he was!
←Rate | 08-10-2019 21:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
←Rate | 08-08-2019 06:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon WOW! I can't believe the Guard who was guarding Jeffery Epstein was killed in an automobile accident - Tomorrow or Monday!
←Rate | 08-11-2019 16:00 by Fluff!! Comments (0)  

   messageicon I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
←Rate | 08-08-2019 06:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Police in Florida have arrested a man who said he finally achieved his goal of shoplifting in all 50 states. You know what you call someone who steals from all 50 states? Congressman.
←Rate | 08-14-2019 06:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Get rid of the "quality check" section on the Domino's pizza tracker. I know what I'm getting myself into here.
←Rate | 08-08-2019 06:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it's the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
←Rate | 08-08-2019 06:08 Comments (0)  

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