Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or profile.

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   messageicon In only 8 years, we went from HOPES to DOPES!
←Rate | 05-25-2016 17:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm at my most "Indiana Jones" when I grab a tupperware out of the cabinet & slam the door real fast so the rest don't fly out everywhere.
←Rate | 05-24-2016 06:10 by Snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon You can tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.
←Rate | 04-30-2016 12:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Its never polite to ask the guy at the next table "are you done with that?" Especially when he's breaking up with his girlfriend.
←Rate | 05-06-2016 06:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they're transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
←Rate | 05-10-2016 00:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Memorial Day Tip: This year, throw veggie burgers on the grill and next year, someone else will host the cookout.
←Rate | 05-21-2016 12:07 by Fazzella Comments (0)  

   messageicon LinkedIn is just a dating site for people with a job right?
←Rate | 05-19-2016 02:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I never sign anything until I pretend to read it first..
←Rate | 07-23-2014 13:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.
←Rate | 04-28-2016 16:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
←Rate | 04-15-2016 05:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If a girl tells you she has a nipple ring, the only correct response is "I don't believe you."
←Rate | 05-01-2016 15:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Someone's gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves
←Rate | 12-28-2013 06:57 by Huck Comments (1)  

   messageicon I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart
←Rate | 03-19-2016 06:03 by MWC Comments (0)  

   messageicon In what world does a box of macaroni and cheese serve 4 people?
←Rate | 05-19-2016 02:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn't figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn't her grandmother.
←Rate | 05-16-2016 14:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon One day I will solve all problems with grace & maturity. Today is not that day...
←Rate | 04-21-2016 14:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I like to leave random messages like "I'm pregnant -- Call me" on random car windshields in the shopping mall parking lot.
←Rate | 04-29-2016 07:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Bought a water at the airport and now one of my kids can't go to college.
←Rate | 05-02-2016 19:23 by Snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why do you look surprised in all your selfies? Didn't you know you were taking the picture?
←Rate | 05-10-2016 22:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't understand why people have to say hurtful things. Like "let's go to the gym" or " try this kale"
←Rate | 05-21-2016 13:25 by Fazzella Comments (0)  

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