Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating
Filter On | Filter Off

Search Messages:
Page: 1 of 5480

   messageicon Today I heard a guy on the street say, 'It's chowder season, baby!' so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
←Rate | 12-09-2016 07:18 by Yaj Comments (0)  

   messageicon Casual Fridays? I'm holding out for Optional Fridays.
←Rate | 12-09-2016 08:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It always seems impossible until it's done
←Rate | 12-09-2016 08:04 by Payday Loans Comments (0)  

   messageicon So, Mick Jagger is a new father at the age of 73. I guess time really is on his side.
←Rate | 12-09-2016 06:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon it odd to anyone else that a telephone makes sound travel faster than the speed of sound?
←Rate | 12-09-2016 05:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Flat screens are nice and all, but they'll never compare to the television/record player/ liquor cabinet combo extravaganza we had as kids.
←Rate | 12-09-2016 10:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon ... No people .... Trump did NOT pick El Chapo to head the DEA!!
←Rate | 12-09-2016 11:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my 'WTF' lines and those things are deep.
←Rate | 12-07-2016 10:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn.
←Rate | 12-06-2016 07:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Once again, I'm a distant runner-up for TIME magazine's 'Person Of The Year'. I'm beginning to think it's rigged...
←Rate | 12-08-2016 01:25 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Named my daughter after my mother in law. In fact, Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 5 tomorrow
←Rate | 12-06-2016 19:34 by flipphonescott Comments (0)  

   messageicon Of all the martial arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain.
←Rate | 12-06-2016 13:12 by McFazzella Comments (0)  

   messageicon MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
←Rate | 12-07-2016 07:37 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Worst part of being sick? Sneezing while taking a piss
←Rate | 12-06-2016 03:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've decided that throughout the time period starting with Thanksgiving, continuing on to Christmas and ending on New Years Day, the term 'Calories" regarding all food shall be referred to as "Deliciousness Points."
←Rate | 12-03-2016 16:22 by McFazzella Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some people are the human equivalent of stomach cramps...
←Rate | 12-06-2016 16:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon i don't want a girlfriend I want an accomplice
←Rate | 12-07-2016 11:59 by Doc Noland Comments (1)  

   messageicon Anyone remember when this was a joke site?
←Rate | 12-05-2016 13:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do. Take Beethoven for example, they told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf... but he didn't listen.
←Rate | 12-05-2016 10:36 by Comments (0)  

   messageicon Any bank can be a sperm bank if you're left alone in the safety deposit box room.
←Rate | 12-01-2016 00:23 Comments (0)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left