Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Amazonesia: When you forgot what you ordered this time.

   What doesn’t kill you, makes you kind of nervous for the rest of your life.

   If it snows, please stay home. Y’all can’t even drive when it’s sunny.

   I don’t think it’s a coincidence that “diet” has the word die in it.

   Silent farts, deadly farts, all was calm, not for long 😂

   If you ever jacked off to my pic you owe me like $5

   Hey girl, are you a ketchup bottle? Because I’m gonna flip you over, hit it from the back and make you squirt.

   Twinkle, twinkle little scar; how I wonder, what put ye thar.

   I fart on a first date.

   Sometimes the universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still stupid.

   Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall. It took me a moment to realize that they meant autumn, and not the collapse of civilization.

   Zuckerberg is responsible for my multiple profile disorder.

   They’re not red flags, they’re fun facts about me.

   Your handwriting is just your hand’s accent.

   The older I get, the less life in prison is a deterrent.

   All my updates come with an extra helping of cornbread dressing. While supplies last.

   Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, which is why I’m eating it again at 11:00am.

   My phone is always in my hand. So, if you think I’m ignoring you, I am.

   May life treat you the way you treat waiters and animals.

   Grocery shopping is a constant battle between not buying snacks, so you won’t be tempted and being angry that there’s nothing to eat.