Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are two kinds of people: Those who do whatever they’re told, no matter what. And, people who will do what is right, no matter what they are told. 😉

   When you’re in psychology class and you learn about the disorder you have.

   I’m all out of snacks. What else do people do for fun? 🤔

   When they can’t control or manipulate you, they smear you. 😔

   Feeling sad today…. Can everyone please send cute photos of your credit cards front and back?

   Hello, 911? The oldies station is playing the Backstreet Boys again.

   Me: My dog is probably thinking about other dogs. My dog: “What was Scar’s name before he got that scar?”

   Beginning to see the need for censorship. Certain people are just too ignorant to be allowed to speak.

   When a man says he’ll do anything for a woman, he means fight bad guys and slay dragons, not dishes and vacuuming.

   It’s called gross pay, because it’s disgusting to see what you could’ve made.

   Once you carry your own water, you’ll learn the value of every single drop.

   Amazonesia: When you forget what you ordered this time.

   My emotional support dog after spending a day with me. Dog: Drinks a 5th of vodka and chain-smokes non-filter cigarettes.

   My wife and I do this role play, where she tells me all the things that need to be fixed around the house and I pretend this is the first time I’m hearing about it. 😂

   Places finger on cop’s lips ~ “Shhh…. We were both speeding, okay? I forgive you.”

   My wish for 2023 is that nothing unprecedented, historic, or once in a lifetime happens.

   Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a twenty-minute jog. Now I’m sitting at the park, laughing at all the joggers.

   If you stay silent and fail to rock the boat in this war between good and evil; your life might be easier, but your children’s won’t.

   Has decided to be fully delusional this year and see where that takes me. Because, being sensible hasn’t gleaned the results I’m looking for.

   Cats are my favorite animal, because no matter where you fall on the food chain, a cat will smack the crap out of you.