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X I guess what I'm proudest of is my ability to make the tough choices in hypothetical situations.
X Whoever wants to kill Casey Anthony, should probably do so in Florida.
X Laters FB... I'm tired of sharing my opinions And liking everybody's sh!t......and Pokin' folks I hardly even know... Peace Out! I'll do all that sh!t to y'all tomorrow.
X I hate when cashiers ask you if that's everything. Oh no, I'd also like all this invisible sh!t.
X It must really suck to be a podium salesman. "Are your arms tired out from holding five pieces of paper?" You need a podium!
X Disclaimer: I'm really bad at judging what size Tupperware container leftovers will fit in.
X My refrigerator is like a condiment time capsule.
X "Use As Directed" is just a personal challenge to my creativity.
X When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane...
X My brain returns to its default settings every ten minutes.
X When I see someone driving the same car I'm driving, I always peer in to make sure it's not me from another dimension.
X Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
X In real life, I never know when danger is coming because the music doesn't change.
X I'd like to drink less alcohol but I don't want to murder my family with a hammer.
X When you text someone "are you still sleeping" you might as well text "wake up a$$hole."
X Everyone has the one mysterious toothbrush in the bathroom that nobody in your house uses or knows anything about.
X The two words that get me in the most trouble are "Why Not?"
X Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.
X When your computer asks "Are you sure?", it's because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions you've made.
X I joke around a lot .... but when I'm serious I'm serious cuz seriousness is the serious way to deal with serious seriosities seriositating in the seriousosphere. Seriously.