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X says Be comfortable in your own skin, only serial killers are comfortable in other people's skin.
X says Serendipity - When an empty glass and a bottle of booze cross paths.
X says Ladies; Your eyebrows will either make you or break you.
X says Which came first, the Chicken or the Egg? If you want to know the answer, order both off the menu and see which one comes first.
X says Ladies: Trust me, nice guys are all around you, it's just that the a$$holes are blockin your view.
X says Tomorrow is 11/11/11. This day only comes once every 100 years so go out there and do something crazy and make it memorable.
X Lazy rule: Can't reach it. Don't need it.
X says Seeking other people's approval is disapproving yourself.
X says I don't have a drinking problem. I have a stopping problem.
X says Sometimes when I cut my toenails, I leave them all over the floor just in case ants need to use them as swords when they are at war.
X says "Police! Open the door!" ... "Will you promise not to get mad?"
X says I don't need anger management... I need people to stop talking to me when I wake up.
X says Sorry for drunk texting you again last night. I assure you that I didn't mean what I said, unless you feel the same way
X says It's Friday, Saturday's less hungover neighbor.
X says At 11:11 AM and PM today. It will be 11-11-11 11 11 and that doesn't mean sh!t. Carry on with your day folks.
X says Two chicks in one untagged Facebook profile picture? The account belongs to the ugly one.
X says Want to surprise your girlfriend? Introduce her to your wife.
X says No matter how fast you run, michael myers will walk faster.
X says I'm a member of the CSI - “Can't. Stand. Idiots.”
X says Turns out that button in the elevator with the fireman's hat on it... is not the button you push if you want a fireman's hat.