Funny Status Messages and Tweets

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   Why doesn't Maury just do the show from backstage? All the women run back there when they find out that none of the 23 guys they tested are her baby daddy.

   How come if alcohol kills millions of brain cells, it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

   I didn't say your stupid just everything you like is

   Million Dollar Idea: Hire a bunch of people with OCD and start a cleaning company.

   Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT!

   Just witnessed kids playing tag. What is this world coming to? Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise?

   High schools shouldn't have school zones. If you can't cross the street by the time you're in HS you deserve to get hit.

   it weird that one of my nuts is bigger than the other two?

   Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes far away, skeletons close, Spiders far away,,, And everything else just in a big pile

   Leaving a watermelon on someone's doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

   ‎20 years from now, some adults are going to say they grew up on the "bad part of town," meaning there was no 4G in that area.

   Man kneeling by the bed, Wife says,"What are you praying for? " Husband says: "Guidance. " Wife says, "Pray for stiffness, I'll guide the damn thing myself!"

   Everybody's got their own aIcohol they won't ever touch again because of an awful teenage experience

   I got in trouble at the movie theaters for putting a 'wet floor' sign infront of the door to"Magic Mike"

   might invent a new beer, call it "Occasionally". When people ask if I drink, I can say 'I drink Occasionally' this way they won't think i'm an alcoholic.

   Today I had to ask myself "What would Jesus do?" because he just got deported and I have no idea how to cut my own lawn.

   how are we gonna kill all the zombies if obama takes our guns away.

   Who do I speak to about quitting adulthood?

   I like to go to Best Buy and drink a cup of coffee in front of the Geek Squad guys then hand them my empty cup and tell them I successfully installed Java....they hate me