Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump


Search Messages:
Page: 1 of 6086

   messageicon After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
←Rate | 12-11-2019 15:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
←Rate | 12-05-2019 13:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon HOW TO WRAP PRESENTS: - Ask somebody else to wrap presents
←Rate | 12-05-2019 13:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Do you have tin foil? Then you have everything you need to make tin foil balls. Stay tuned for more last-minute gift ideas.
←Rate | 12-05-2019 13:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, "In case I feel like sharing."
←Rate | 12-07-2019 08:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm still watching the Never Ending Story
←Rate | 12-12-2019 12:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.
←Rate | 12-05-2019 11:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
←Rate | 12-11-2019 15:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
←Rate | 12-11-2019 13:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
←Rate | 12-11-2019 13:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn't already hate you...
←Rate | 12-06-2019 09:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Christmas as a child: "Socks and Money? This is ridiculous!" Christmas as an adult: "SOCKS AND MONEY? HOW DID YOU KNOW? THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED. I LOVE YOU"
←Rate | 12-06-2019 09:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My phone auto-corrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer". I sent it anyways...
←Rate | 12-05-2019 08:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Not to brag, but I still haven’t buttoned my pants back up from Thanksgiving.
←Rate | 12-05-2019 13:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Before my surgery, the anesthetist offered to use knockout gas or whack me over the head with a canoe paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.
←Rate | 12-12-2019 06:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ring = she’s married Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
←Rate | 12-11-2019 13:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The holidays are always tough on me.... One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn't up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family. Still haunts me.
←Rate | 12-05-2019 09:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Roadside sobriety test are getting ridiculous. Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet .
←Rate | 12-11-2019 08:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is to know what rhymes with "Hug me" Love, Robin Thicke
←Rate | 12-05-2019 13:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today. My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
←Rate | 12-11-2019 13:33 Comments (0)  




Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Name:
Status Message:

... characters left