Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes far away, skeletons close, Spiders far away,,, And everything else just in a big pile

   Leaving a watermelon on someone's doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

   ‎20 years from now, some adults are going to say they grew up on the "bad part of town," meaning there was no 4G in that area.

   Man kneeling by the bed, Wife says,"What are you praying for? " Husband says: "Guidance. " Wife says, "Pray for stiffness, I'll guide the damn thing myself!"

   Thinking of opening a bar right next to a gym and call it "Decisions, Decisions".

   If you have to question whether or not your behavior is acceptable - it's probably not.... and we should definitely hang out.

   While carving a pumpkin on her front porch swing this morning, my neighbor's smiling 8-year-old daughter looked up at me and mumbled: "On the playground, this is what happens to snitches."

   "Yo Casey, I'm really happy for you, I'ma Let you finish, but O.J. had one of the best Not Guilty verdicts of all time!" - Kanye W.

   Just to be different, I cry about being single on the 4th of July, and celebrate Valentine's Day with explosives.

   Facebook Poking Hours: Mon-Friday 7am-10pm Sat 12-11pm Sun Closed

   Why doesn't Maury just do the show from backstage? All the women run back there when they find out that none of the 23 guys they tested are her baby daddy.

   How come if alcohol kills millions of brain cells, it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

   I didn't say your stupid just everything you like is

   I failed my Health and Safety class test today. Apparently, when they ask you,"In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin' large ones" is not the correct answer.

   brought to you today by the neighbor's router

   Theres no feeling as disgusting as the feeling you get the moment you realize that your finger just went through the toilet paper...

   I bet if I was a hot chick and I left a status that said "I'm brushing my hair". It would get about 50 likes.

   When I die I want to be be reincarnated as a spider. Just so I can finally hear a women say "Oh my God, it's huge!"

   Sometimes when I wanna be really romantic........ I light a candle when I masturbate

   Ugh. Do I really need to register to your website to leave a comment? I just need to disagree with this assh0le real quick.