Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Frosted Mini Wheats" are my absolute FAVORITE breakfast cereal made from scrap wicker furniture.

   Dear Life, Please, use a Lubricant.

   Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days.

   Thank you Pringles® for being the only chip company that doesn't sell air.

   If you had to choose between your significant other and a million dollars, what's the first thing you'd buy?

   Only you can prevent forest fires, and last year there was over 70,000 of them. What the f**k man. We trusted you.

   Maybe if they turned the economy off and then turned it back on it might run better. Works for my computer.

   2011 Pick Up Lines: "I have a full tank of gas."

   If you really want to get to know someone, start arguing with them.

   I might not be a great example, but I'm one hell of a good warning....

   examining one of his patients. Took the husband aside and said: Your wife doesn't look too good. Husband said: I know but she's got an awesome personality...

   87x/59(1 x)=(18*7x)*(67-x).....f*ck this, I'm going to be a stripper.

   Following a successful off-season surgery, Favre appears ready to return for his 20th NFL season.... lobotomies must heal fairly quickly.

   Someone came up to me and said get a life...I punched them in the face and said get a helmet.

   Honestly, when I crawled out of bed this morning I had no intention of being brilliant, but sometimes things just work out!

   There are weight limits on car seats, airlines, skydiving, military, horseback riding, kayaks, and bikes......how is it there are no weight limit on high heels?

   Happy Thanksgiving America ! from a Canadian :)

   Could you imagine if guys commented on their guy friends' profiles the way girls do? "Bro, you look so handsome" "Looking hot, man!" "OMG, your jawline is cray" "Ugh, how are you this perfect dude? I'm jelly" "sexy much?!"

   It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist's finger before she stops believing that you're doing it accidentally.

   Wanna know what it's like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.