Nipper Funny Status Messages

   The voices in my head have been quite for a while. They probably broke something.

   Sorry for nicking your car with my door, but you didn't leave much room. It's small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

   My kid thinks I'm some kind of wizard because I can start a car by blowing in a tube.

   It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist's finger before she stops believing that you're doing it accidentally.

   I actually feel bad for Justin Bieber. No girl should have to take a picture without her makeup on

   We need to start worrying about what kind of world we are going to leave for Keith Richards.

   I think we should line up all the presidential candidates and see which one a dog doesn't bark at. That person should become president.

   Locals are said to be in a state of shock after Police found a stash of guns behind the library in Glasgow yesterday. People of Glasgow did not know they had a library.

   Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.

   A teardrop tattoo means they're a giant cry baby, so don't forget to tease them relentlessly about it.

   Note to self... the shower curtain cannot save you from falling.

   When considering joining a site offering secret infidelity but requires you register with a name/photo, a good alternative is to not do that

   I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.

   I bet the guy at the urinal next to me is now rethinking his decision to wear flip flops today.

   I'm extremely happy which can only mean that life is going to get real fucky here any minute.

   My dyslexia has reached a new owl.

   If I've learned one thing from Philip Seymour Hoffman's death, it's that someone needs to introduce Bieber to heroin.

   Wedding cake…One last reminder of what it was like to shove something in her mouth.

   What's the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.

   I cannot wait to interrupt Kanye West's eulogy.