Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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I watched my first anal porn scene the other day... Wow, I just can't get over how skinny I looked back then !! 
"Half a dozen" -Because "six" is way too long.
364 shopping days left
Must be confusing for Sean Connery's grandchildren when he asks them to "Come sh!t on my lap."
"Drunk Posting" is worse than "Drunk Texting", because instead of one person thinking you're an idiot, EVERYONE does!
MTV has proven that the recent rise in teenage pregnancy has reallyyyyy changed the definition of a MILF
Follow your dreams............ Unless you're a killer.
Just for fun, I left a note of this guys car at Wal-Mart that said, "Sorry for backing into your car". That should keep him busy for a few minutes.
bad decisions make good stories.
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then they discover once a year is way too often.
as confused as a hungry infant in a topless bar.
My wife has me held captive by her love.. and these handcuffs. But don't call the cops, this is not a cry for help.
I can't afford the shakeweight, but I wish there was another activity that I can apply the principles to...
My mom used to say that I'm wasting my life playing all these video games... thats ok, I still have more lives!
I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
Wii should make beer pong... tired of losing to my son in all the games HE'S good at
wonders if "Being Comfortable with your Sexuality" was one of the requirements when they were looking for guys to be in the Shake Weight commercial.
thinks Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it.
I'm not rare. I'm just a limited edition.
I'll never forget when Dad tried to teach me to swim by pushing me off the boat. And when he taught me to drive by pushing me out the car. 