Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We all have that friend that acts innocent, but is very naughty

   Just for fun, I left a note of this guys car at Wal-Mart that said, "Sorry for backing into your car". That should keep him busy for a few minutes.

   bad decisions make good stories.

   Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then they discover once a year is way too often.

   thinks Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it.

   I'm not rare. I'm just a limited edition.

   Wii should make beer pong... tired of losing to my son in all the games HE'S good at

   wonders if "Being Comfortable with your Sexuality" was one of the requirements when they were looking for guys to be in the Shake Weight commercial.

   saw an amazing looking girl the other day wearing a T-Shirt that said 'Fight Poverty'. So to impress her, I ran over and punched a tramp.

   as confused as a hungry infant in a topless bar.

   My wife has me held captive by her love.. and these handcuffs. But don't call the cops, this is not a cry for help.

   I can't afford the shakeweight, but I wish there was another activity that I can apply the principles to...

   My mom used to say that I'm wasting my life playing all these video games... thats ok, I still have more lives!

   I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

   I'll never forget when Dad tried to teach me to swim by pushing me off the boat. And when he taught me to drive by pushing me out the car.

   When I see a Scion in my rearview mirror I always pull over and let it pass so no one's late to the Hoobastank concert.

   Change your wifi password to blowmefirst, then wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.

   You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.

   Congratulations to CNN for having the longest running TV show in TV history: Malaysia Flight 370

   Me and my girlfriend, ,, sitting in a tree A-R-G-U-I-N-G