Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   expecting life to treat you fairly because you're a good person is like expecting the bull not to charge at you because you're a vegetarian.

   There are only two people I trust in this world... One is myself, and the other one is NOT you.

   Who among us has not proclaimed into the whir of a fan, "Luke. I am your father."

   getting his eraser ready for two weeks of me putting 2010 on all my papers.

   just had a near death experience and other peoples' lives flashed before my eyes…I have GOT to stop being so f@#king nosey…

   Fool people into thinking you have a social life by going offline for a few hours.

   I think the sudden stardom of Justin Bieber marks the beginning of the apocalypse.

   wifes cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.

   If you say the word "douche" fast and repetitively, it will sound like the beat of a techno song that some douche would definitely love.

   Nothing's more chaotic than when the Task Manager freezes too.

   I was escorted out of the funeral before I was done high fiving everyone.

   nothing better than waking up to multiple "like"s on ur facebook status

   The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Three of my neighbors have disappeared.

   I knew I was drunk. I felt sophisticated and couldn't pronounce it.

   "The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office." - Robert Frost

   My boss asked me to take an anger management class today. I told him I was angry enough with management as it is!

   It's not an official disaster until Bono sings about it.

   read that Toyota is asking all Prius owners to return cars to the dealerships as slowly as they possibly can.

   If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

   thinks that, instead of 45 secs, they should limit tonight's Oscar acceptance speeches to the same as Twitter, 140 characters!!