lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

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   messageicon Wow, it's beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn't a glare on my screen.
←Rate | 03-20-2010 14:26 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't know why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentines Day. When I think of romance,the last thing I think of is a short,chubby child coming at me with a weapon.
←Rate | 02-03-2010 19:00 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon This "fancy" wine rack I got for Christmas is total crap. NONE of these boxes fit at all
←Rate | 01-29-2010 14:29 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon After reading that 'smoking caused cancer in laboratory rats and mice', I have decided to leave my cigarettes on a high shelf, where the rats and mice can't get them.
←Rate | 12-08-2009 16:32 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon One of the great mysteries to me is the fact that us women can pour hot wax on our legs, rip the hair out by the roots, and still be afraid of a spider.
←Rate | 09-20-2010 14:28 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon I haven't been to work in four days. I've almost forgotten how to play solitaire and minesweeper.
←Rate | 12-27-2010 10:51 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon My car talks. It says things like "your door is ajar", but never anything really helpful like, "there's a trooper hiding in the bushes."
←Rate | 06-29-2010 14:16 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon ..pays her bills with a smile. Most creditors,however,would prefer cash..
←Rate | 01-20-2010 11:01 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon Crack,meth,heroine. All these drugs should be manufactured by pharmacutical companies. That way,no one could afford them.
←Rate | 05-21-2010 03:46 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear Pringles, Now that I am no longer a child, I cannot fit my hand inside your tube of deliciousness. Work on that.
←Rate | 09-05-2009 08:25 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon God. I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
←Rate | 02-14-2010 06:16 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm never sure what to do with my eyes when I'm at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling? What's the proper etiquette here?
←Rate | 02-03-2011 13:41 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon ..hates getting junk mail on how to enlarge my penis,especially since i'm a girl. But I have,however, forwarded them to my boss. Maybe that will cure the little pr*ck.
←Rate | 11-05-2009 12:17 by lemonpillow Comments (1)  

   messageicon People are funny. They spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like.
←Rate | 07-21-2010 16:21 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon How do you make a bunch of old ladies say "F*CK!". Shout "BINGO!".
←Rate | 02-16-2010 10:38 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
←Rate | 08-24-2010 14:09 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon A child is like a mosquito: when it stops making a noise,you know it's up to something.
←Rate | 01-28-2010 03:43 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon My age? I'd rather not tell. Let's just say i'm somewhere between 25 and a Wal-Mart greeter.
←Rate | 05-18-2010 08:43 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate when women say their body is "shaped like a Coke bottle" and fail to mention that bottle is a 3 liter.
←Rate | 02-01-2010 11:33 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
←Rate | 08-25-2010 09:31 by lemonpillow Comments (10)  

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