Funny Status Messages

   I put Red Bull in my coffe pot this morning instead of water. I'm so wired I can see noises...

   It has come to my attention that some of my posts or comments might have offended some of you. If I have offended you, I apologize. If I have NOT offended you, please be patient. I will get around to all my friends in the order received.

   Million Dollar Idea: Hire a bunch of people with OCD and start a cleaning company.

   Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT!

   Just witnessed kids playing tag. What is this world coming to? Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise?

   High schools shouldn't have school zones. If you can't cross the street by the time you're in HS you deserve to get hit.

   it weird that one of my nuts is bigger than the other two?

   Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes far away, skeletons close, Spiders far away,,, And everything else just in a big pile

   Leaving a watermelon on someone's doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

   ‎20 years from now, some adults are going to say they grew up on the "bad part of town," meaning there was no 4G in that area.

   Man kneeling by the bed, Wife says,"What are you praying for? " Husband says: "Guidance. " Wife says, "Pray for stiffness, I'll guide the damn thing myself!"

   Thinking of opening a bar right next to a gym and call it "Decisions, Decisions".

   If you have to question whether or not your behavior is acceptable - it's probably not.... and we should definitely hang out.

   While carving a pumpkin on her front porch swing this morning, my neighbor's smiling 8-year-old daughter looked up at me and mumbled: "On the playground, this is what happens to snitches."

   "Yo Casey, I'm really happy for you, I'ma Let you finish, but O.J. had one of the best Not Guilty verdicts of all time!" - Kanye W.

   Just to be different, I cry about being single on the 4th of July, and celebrate Valentine's Day with explosives.

   Facebook Poking Hours: Mon-Friday 7am-10pm Sat 12-11pm Sun Closed

   Why doesn't Maury just do the show from backstage? All the women run back there when they find out that none of the 23 guys they tested are her baby daddy.

   How come if alcohol kills millions of brain cells, it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

   I didn't say your stupid just everything you like is