Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ten seconds of drug commercials are spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest is spent basically daring you to take it.

   Be advised Ladies: Once I show you my Knight Rider lunchbox from 1985, foreplay has officially begun.

   We're all in the same game, just different levels. Dealing with the same hell, just different devils.

   This really ugly girl asked me earlier... if I thought she was attractive. I didnt want to be mean and I also didnt want to lie. So I thought for a second and told her I thought she was "Wal-Mart Sexy".

   Have you ever had a conversation with someone and thought about how much better it would be if they had a personality...

   when a cop pulls you over and he tells you to get off the phone..DO NOT SAY: I gotta go honey, your husband is being a jerk. Seriously don't. ;)

   Teenagers. They have been annoying me all summer long. Now they're back in school. So today on my lunch hour I drove circles around the high school laughing through a loud speaker.

   Whenever I see small children on leashes, I'm always tempted to run up, scratch their bellies, and ask “How old in human years?”

   For a lion to be a cannibal, he must first, swallow his pride.

   I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.

   If I blocked you on Facebook, what makes you think I want to talk to you in real life?

   When I'm bored, nobody texts me, but when I'm busy, my phone blows up.

   Party at Camp Crystal Lake tonight!! Woop* Happy Friday the 13th!!

   Three things I cannot do: (1) pass up a piece of cake, (2) say "rural" and (3) open a can of biscuits without yelling when it pops.

   The only time I've ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.

   If I'm guilty of anything it's loving you too much. Oh and indecent exposure...I suppose trespassing too.

   Every neck tattoo should just say, 'I owe back child support.'

   I was on the exercise bike for almost 30 minutes just now. It was pretty easy. Tomorrow I may even try using the pedals.

   Parents stop excusing your children's bad behavior! If you don't hold them accountable for their words and actions you're creating a$$holes of tomorrow.

   running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?