Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   On a scale from 1 to 10, how creepy was Slim Goodbody?

   One time when I was 8 years old, a bear wearing a hat came up to me in the woods and told me ONLY I could prevent forest fires. Why he chose me, I will never know.

   In my hay day all I did was sneeze.

   I have inside jokes with complete strangers....

   if I stop using smileys , dude you're in trouble

   And now I must perform the nightly ritual where I use "floss" to purify my gums of their excess blood

   I called Siri a bitch for messing up my request and my phone automatically started dialing my ex.

   Ever notice that kids with Down Syndrome always seem to be so up? We could all take a lesson from them.

   Twitter is where you find a hit man. Facebook, an alibi.

   A guy fills his Blow-up doll with Helium by accident. Now the b*tch is playing hard to get

   You're welcome. Not sure what for yet, but I'm bound to say something awesome that'll make your day sooner or later.

   Never look someone straight in the eyes while eating a banana.

   When women ask for your opinion what they really want to hear is their opinion, but in a deeper voice.

   I keep a bat by the side of my bed,... in case a thief breaks in and wants to play a game of Baseball.

   I apologize sir, but we're all out of Mohicans.

   Gas prices are at an all time high. But the gov't is willing to up the mega millions jackpot to 640 million dollars. Someones priorities are F'ed up if you ask me.

   All you need is love. But a little booze now and then doesn't hurt.

   I want a woman with dreams, plans and ambition. Not a girl on a breeding mission!

   I won the lottery, then I woke up!

   HER: Oh my god! I lost 2 kilograms! SMARTASS: Great, you finally took off your makeup!