Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever notice that kids with Down Syndrome always seem to be so up? We could all take a lesson from them.

   Twitter is where you find a hit man. Facebook, an alibi.

   A guy fills his Blow-up doll with Helium by accident. Now the b*tch is playing hard to get

   You're welcome. Not sure what for yet, but I'm bound to say something awesome that'll make your day sooner or later.

   Never look someone straight in the eyes while eating a banana.

   When women ask for your opinion what they really want to hear is their opinion, but in a deeper voice.

   I keep a bat by the side of my bed,... in case a thief breaks in and wants to play a game of Baseball.

   I apologize sir, but we're all out of Mohicans.

   Gas prices are at an all time high. But the gov't is willing to up the mega millions jackpot to 640 million dollars. Someones priorities are F'ed up if you ask me.

   All you need is love. But a little booze now and then doesn't hurt.

   I want a woman with dreams, plans and ambition. Not a girl on a breeding mission!

   I won the lottery, then I woke up!

   HER: Oh my god! I lost 2 kilograms! SMARTASS: Great, you finally took off your makeup!

   Tomorrow I'm calling Geico and saving 15%, then I'm calling Progressive and saving $475, then State Farm to save $540, then 21st Century to save $430 .... by the time I'm done, they should be owing me money!!!

   Stun guns, corn dogs & inappropriate flags. That's what flea markets are made of.

   I tied a string around a pork chop and hung it from the ceiling fan on my porch and now every dog in my neighborhood is dizzy as hell.

   I am not saying I am praying for you to die, but I cant wait to DJ at your funeral.

   My tourette syndrome in under control untill I have to deal with DUMB A$S! stupid people who lack basic MOTHER FUNK1NG! common sense. SH1T! B1TCH!

   Do women know how much energy we expend pretending we don't know why they're mad?

   These little 'Hug Juice' barrels are too small! I can finish the thing in one gulp! Let's make them bigger, much bigger, and why juice, let's fill it up with beer! Wait, this sounds strangely familiar....