Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How come girl's sweatpants always say things like Juicy, Bootylicious and Fresh. They never say accurate things like Sad,Menstruating or Cellulite

   It's not the size of the ship nor the motion in the ocean...it's whether the Captain can stay in port long enough for all the passengers to get off..

   I'm starting to think I'll never be old enough to know better.

   I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the "why aren't you wearing pants" look.

   so tired, but at least I got the dog on the bus and let the kids out to pee

   I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.

   I have always been told to never say "never." On that note, never get into a food fight with cannibals and never be caught dead with a necrophilac.

   "Sometimes the unicorn isn't a unicorn, it's just a donkey with a plunger on its face."

   I get this funny feeling that people are reading the things I type here but maybe I'm just being paranoid.

   Do you know the four signs of growing old? 1. Forgetting names, 2. Forgetting faces, 3. Forgetting to zip up, 4. Forgetting to zip down.

   A man sitting in church writes a note to his wife: "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?"...She writes back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

   A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.

   I turn the radio down when I drive by cops so there's no evidence of fun.

   everyone was clapping for me when I got off the plane...I bet those military guys behind me were jealous.

   Hot girls always have their statuses "like"d by dozens of people no matter how stupid the statuses may be.

   going thru the airport scan today with a complete spiderman suit under my street clothes

   Can people just go for a bike ride without having to dress up like some Lance Armstrong clone?

   In case of emergency, break glass, scream, bleed to death.

   It is not pre marital sex if you have no intention of getting married

   a paper cut is a trees last revenge =)