Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   becames friends with the Pillsbury Doughboy just so I could poke him.

   ▒▒broke his sta▒tus but ▒▒▒▒ a little duct tape goes▒▒ a long w▒ay....

   Customs: "Do you have anything to declare?" Me: "I declare a thumb war?" Customs: "Security!" Me: "I mean rum! Lots and lots of rum!"

   I just saw Inception and I'm pretty sure I dreamt that movie the other night...

   If YOU didn't SEE it w/your own eyes, or HEAR it w/your own ears, then WHY would you INVENT IT w/your SMALL MIND or SHARE it with YOUR BIG MOUTH !

   Paul McCartney is looking more and more like Angela Lansbury every day.

   Zombie kids are spoiled rotten.

   Trying to understand some people,,, Is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end...

   You don't need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

   The birth of Snooki's baby was rudely interrupted by Kanye West. He loudly claimed that " Willy Wonka made the best Oompa Loompas ever!"

   What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

   You lost your phone because it was on silent? That's too bad. If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it.

   Fun thing to do #78 When you order a Coke and the waiter asks, "Is Pepsi okay?" shout "WHAT AM I, AN ANIMAL?"

   You say stalker, I say dedicated. You say psycho, I say nothing says I love you like a severed cat head.

   My bank lets me send a text message and it'll text back with my balance. It's a cool feature but I didn't think the LOL was necessary.

   It's Cyber Sex Monday :)

   When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights

   If ladies were labeled heroes instead of sluts for sleeping around too much, us guys would be having a lot more sex. Someone screwed up here.

   Hey can I borrow a pencil? "Yeah but it doesn't have an eraser" "Life doesn't have an eraser" "That was deep man.."

   Just found my child-hood Etch-a sketch. My first lap-top.