Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not being able to pay my bills left me feeling suicidal, so I put my head in the oven and switched the gas on, but nothing happened

   Hey there automatic flushing toilet. I love your enthusiasm but ummm..... I wasn't finished yet.

   Got some Flip Flops at the dollar store, actually they're Flop Flips and they only make the slappie sound if you're backing up...but hey...$1. Yay!!!

   Got bit by a spider.......Now I got to go find a skyscraper to climb.

   "wat r you dewin 2morrow wen you git out uf wurk" people who write like that are stupid and lazy

   Don't bite the hand that feeds. In fact, don't bite anyone's hand you weirdo.

   Dont make the scars of your past hurt the people in your present

   Star Wars Episode 1: Phantom Menace is now in 3D. Really? The only thing worse than watching crap is having it flung towards your face.

   My girlfriend is rated "E" for Everyone:

   Never judge a girls body from a picture of her face.

   I'll never become mature enough to not laugh out loud when the person in the stall next to me farts so loud it sounds like a volcano just erupted

   Fastest way to get through a crowd: Walk fast, look worried, and yell"Timmy? TIMMY?! WHERE ARE YOU TIMMY?!".

   untangling apples headphones in under 30 seconds should qualify you for surgery in most countries

   I consider myself a gentleman I repeatedly opened the car door for my ex especially on curvy roads RJ

   Goals for this weekend: 1) get drunk 2) find Easter bunny & take Instagram pic of him 3) get drunk again 4) eat chocolate 5) refer to 1&3

   There's got to be ALOT of pressure on Adele's new boyfriend to treat her like sh*t.

   No, I'm not single. I am in a long distance relationship because my girlfriend lives in the future.

   Please remember a doggy is not just for Christmas….It's a great position all year round!

   Banking institutions are more dangerous than standing armies.

   : If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other!