Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some guy screwed you over? Would you like to explain how the whole male population is responsible for this?

   Ariel Castro's last words to the guards were "I'm going to go hang out in my cell for a while."

   there is a Reason why Everybody says Everything happens for a Reason?"

   The common misconception that polar bears live in Antarctica is crazy, that place is unbearable.

   To the douchebag who pushed me out of the way of the baggage carousel, remember what goes around comes around....

   may your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it on facebook

   If I told you that you had a beautiful body would you hold it against some other guy while I'm out at work just trying to provide for us?

   I just launched a new fragrance! - a great way to announce a fart

   Booze is just Febreze for the soul

   Be nice to your stalker. They just want to be loved...

   I want to leave my carbon footprint up someone's ass.

   Negro! Anyone offended?

   Why don't Barbie and Ken have any kids? Answer: Because Ken came in another box.

   Joan Rivers is in the hospital doing the kick the bucket challenge. . .

   "Dude she has a bf" " Yeah so? Soccer has a goalie, doesn't mean you can't score"

   needing to be kissed. And often. And by someone who knows how.

   There comes a time in life when all you can do is just slap the b*tch!

   She had a Coca-Cola body....too bad it was the 2-Liter version.

   Willie Nelson is 77, so would somebody please warn him that weed's the gateway to heroin before it's too late.

   When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirin, and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.