Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The common misconception that polar bears live in Antarctica is crazy, that place is unbearable.

   To the douchebag who pushed me out of the way of the baggage carousel, remember what goes around comes around....

   may your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it on facebook

   If I told you that you had a beautiful body would you hold it against some other guy while I'm out at work just trying to provide for us?

   I just launched a new fragrance! - a great way to announce a fart

   Booze is just Febreze for the soul

   Do you guys realize how hard it is to masturbate while holding binoculars?

   The women's US gymnastics team is awesome! I have never seen more beautiful floor exercises, high bars or labia majora in my life.

   My neighbor is very weird. Every time I have a party, he invites himself to my house, goes to the fridge and takes back all the beers I stole from him.

   “You'd know what chocolate you get if you read the map on the inside of the box lid you Friggin Idiot!”...-My Dad watching Forrest Gump

   Anyone ever worry about summoning a demon by unknowingly drawing a mystic symbol with their Toaster Strudel icing?

   Negro! Anyone offended?

   Why don't Barbie and Ken have any kids? Answer: Because Ken came in another box.

   Joan Rivers is in the hospital doing the kick the bucket challenge. . .

   "Dude she has a bf" " Yeah so? Soccer has a goalie, doesn't mean you can't score"

   needing to be kissed. And often. And by someone who knows how.

   There comes a time in life when all you can do is just slap the b*tch!

   She had a Coca-Cola body....too bad it was the 2-Liter version.

   Willie Nelson is 77, so would somebody please warn him that weed's the gateway to heroin before it's too late.

   When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirin, and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.