Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just launched a new fragrance! - a great way to announce a fart

   Booze is just Febreze for the soul

   Be nice to your stalker. They just want to be loved...

   I want to leave my carbon footprint up someone's ass.

   Negro! Anyone offended?

   Why don't Barbie and Ken have any kids? Answer: Because Ken came in another box.

   Joan Rivers is in the hospital doing the kick the bucket challenge. . .

   "Dude she has a bf" " Yeah so? Soccer has a goalie, doesn't mean you can't score"

   needing to be kissed. And often. And by someone who knows how.

   There comes a time in life when all you can do is just slap the b*tch!

   She had a Coca-Cola body....too bad it was the 2-Liter version.

   Willie Nelson is 77, so would somebody please warn him that weed's the gateway to heroin before it's too late.

   When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirin, and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.

   Roses are Red! The Sun is Gold!....Now get on your knee's and do as you're told!!!

   Sex can lead to nasty things like herpes, gonorrhea, and something called relationships.

   Mark Zuckerburg(sp) needs to stay out of politics . I just lost a lot of respect for him .

   This is 2011. Giving me $10 to cut your grass will get me as far as mowing "F**K YOU" in it.

   Bernie Sanders is proof that the Vietnam war took America's Best and Brightest

   ..forget subway..I got your five dollar foot long right here baby...

   laying in the road dressed as a deer