Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   CELEBRATING CAPS LOCK AWARENESS DAY

   Every time a white guy sags his pants, somewhere in the world, a black baby grows up with a father.

   ‎7-eleven, mini-marts, and several gas stations will be closed this week due to a death in the family...

   Women are like bacon: They look good, They smell good, They taste good, And they will kill you slowly.

   Just remember, someone loves everything you hate about yourself.

   beating his record for consecutive days alive !

   If letting him bang me while I wear reindeer antlers and a painted red nose doesn't get him in the Christmas spirit nothing will!

   Me - "Hey Whats up!" Her - "Nothing I feel sick" Me - "awe, why?" Her - "Im on my period..." (walk away slowly and dont say another word)

   Hooters should start a home delivery service and call it Knockers.

   Hollywood are already planning a movie about the life of Elizabeth Taylor. It's provisionally titled 'Eight Weddings and a Funeral'.

   when I die my gravestone is going to have a "Like" button.

   What's with all these Facebook quizzes? Does it look like I give a shlt about what type of chocolate I am?

   My mom found an issue of Bondage & Pain Magazine under my mattress when I was still living at home. She asked my dad what she should do... My dad said, "Well whatever you do, don't spank him!"

   A few simple tips: 1. Don't promise when you're happy. 2. Don't reply when you're angry. 3. Don't decide when you're sad.

   Q: How do you tell the difference between a Black Bear and a Grizzly Bear? A: The Black Bear smokes Newport's.

   If your girlfriend asks you to role play 'doctors and nurses' in the bedroom, don't diagnose her with down-syndrome. Trust me on this.

   To women over 40, a guy with a belly and a sense of humor is a great catch. A guy who's buff is considered a narcissist and a pole-smoker.

   If it smells like a salad and it tastes like a salad, there's still a good chance it's an organic vegan chocolate chip cookie

   Minivans with stick figure families let burglars know exactly how many adults, children, dogs, cats, turtles and fish they'll need to tie up.

   Fact: Men that drink wine coolers increase their chances of getting a yeast infection by 99.9999%.