Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remembering how easy life was in kindergarten. As long as you had the biggest box of crayons and the coolest lunch box you ruled the school......

   Me, walking: "Pedestrians ALWAYS have the right of way!" Me, driving: "LOOK OUT FOR CARS, freakin idiots."

   I don't care how bad I have to go, I will hold it until I'm clocked back in after lunch. If I have to be here, you WILL pay me to use the bathroom.

   hates it when people say "plan in advance" or "plan ahead". Just say "plan"! Obviously its developed in advance and before, thats what a plan is!

   Whoever said laughter is the best medicine never had gonorrhea

   there may not be an "I" in team but there's an "M" and "E"

   Today's comment intentionally left blank.

   Booty texts are much better than booty calls. You can send several out at a time and increase your chances!

   I think the world would be way cooler if we would have domesticated the bear instead the horse. Oh you pranced around, jumped a stick and ate some hay? Big deal, my bear just ate a hobo, paw'd a bee hive then roared so hard deaf people heard it.

   I'm still impressed with the dogs ability to play it cool about having eight nipples.

   I sure am glad they give me a lead vest when they're giving me x-rays at the dentist. It gives the impression those rays must be dangerous. I'd hate to have something bad happen to my chest while I'm having dangerous x-rays shot into my head.

   Don't get me wrong, I totally hear what you're saying, I just don't give a d*mn.

   Please irritate me. I would LOVE to see how badly it ends for you. ;)

   No one can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

   I love your approach. Now let's see about your departure.

   thinks cocaine is a good way of telling you that you make too much money.

   My Dad is taking ownership of my phone for a day so if you could refrain from sending me texts like "F&ck me gently with a chainsaw"(2:30am) then that would be fantastic

   so your telling me that facebook is gonna start charging money monthly? You remind of the people that told me that about Hotmail.. TEN YEARS AGO!"

   It would be some much easier for me to be compassionate, if compassionate meant smacking people in the head.

   I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.