Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 292 of 6385
born at a very young age.
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09-13-2010 21:05 by Shamus
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If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your ass.
All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
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04-14-2012 19:34 by Aaron
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Now that healthcare is guaranteed, I'm frying everything I eat.
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06-29-2012 14:20 by jrbirk
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I stared at the moon for an hour before I realized it was a toenail clipping that had stuck to the window.
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07-07-2012 06:04 by Aaron
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I spent most of my childhood terrified that the rhythm was going to get me.
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05-13-2012 08:38 by flinnie
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Due to the Global Financial Crisis, Ke$ha will now be known as Ke¢ha.
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11-23-2011 22:56 by g0re
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What did one ocean say to the other ocean?...Nothing they just waved...Do you SEA what I did there?...I'm SHORE you did, BEACH.
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12-17-2011 18:57 by g0re
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I avoid eye contact with myself in the mirror. I know too much about me.
I'm pretty sure if dogs could talk their most common phrase would be “Are you going to eat that?”
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02-19-2012 20:48
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and in other sports news a WNBA player announces she is straight. #courage
Nobody cleans a house faster than a guy expecting sex.
I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn't dilute in the shower.
Dear p0rn stars, bright shiny bleached a$$holes are great and all, but acne free a$$cheeks should be a higher priority. Thanks.
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09-29-2012 15:37
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Have you ever seen a flock of geese flying in a V formation and wondered why one side is always longer than the other? It's because there are more geese on that side.
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10-12-2012 21:05
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Hope I never go to jail,, because I haven't memorized a phone number since 2003.
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03-23-2013 22:17 by snotty
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Be careful, Loneliness is dangerous. It's addicting . Once you see how peaceful it is, you don't wanna deal with people ever again.
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04-10-2015 03:32
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Gay Divorce Court is going to be hilarious.
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06-28-2015 12:57 by Dude
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I wear a ski mask to bed so if there's a home invasion the intruder will think I'm part of the team.
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07-15-2015 21:21 by Aaron
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When I go to someone's house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.
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01-13-2014 05:50 by huck
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