Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   condolences to Demi Moore a year ago she lost custody of Ashton Kutcher.jg

   Suggestion for Mark Zuckerberg: When someone defriends me on Facebook, a picture of my bare ass pops up on their screen.

   Facebook is the leading cause to cell phone battery deaths.

   My safe word is ..."HARDER FASTER...PLEASE DON'T STOP"

   It's one of life's cruel tricks that by the time you're old enough to afford a flashy sports car, you look ridiculous driving it.

   the odds of going to the store for one item, and coming out with only one item, are a billion to one.

   Somewhere, someone is looking for someone exactly like you.

   What has 75 balls and screws little old ladies? Bingo

   Yes Google/Gmail, I know already! Enough with the reduced privacy policy reminders. You want to make it easier for the government to track us. Yeah yeah I get it!!

   a new report found that Facebook greatly reduces people's attention thingys whatever

   facebook needs to add "still bangin my ex" as a relationship status option

   If you ask me to take my shoes off when I enter your house, I will go above & beyond & strip full naked because I'm a terrific guest.

   This whole "Cup half empty, Cup half full" argument should state what is IN the cup before people start judging!!

   My shower only has two options: 3rd degree burns or skinny dipping in Antarctica.

   A drunk man speaks what a sober man thinks.

   My ex assured me that size never matter, but all of her dild@s look like they needed a lamp shade on top.

   I'm not really marriage material... since I still have hopes and dreams.

   It seems women are not content with just being women these days. First there was Beyonce with “If I was a boy” now there is this Bieber chick with “If I was your boyfriend”

   I think I speak for everyone when I say we hate being spoken for.

   Unless you're going to tell me there's a sniper target on me, it's okay, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say.