Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never believed in horoscopes until I found a magazine that accurately predicted what I was going to be doing today. Thank you, TV Guide.

   wondering why when the best actors are chosen by actors it is called the Oscars, but when the best actors are chosen by regular people it is called an election.

   Have you noticed that the "lol" symbol looks like a drowning guy? I bet hes not laughing out loud

   --- Just bought the girlfriend a solar powered vibrator....Seeing as the sun shines out of her a** it should save me a fu**ing fortune on batteries.......

   An old battleax of a woman said to Winston Churchill, "If you were my husband I would put poison in your tea.". Churchill's response, "Ma'am if you were my wife I would drink it.".

   Life is like a game of cards. If you don't have a partner, you better have a good hand.

   England are to change their shirts for the next game. The 3 lions will be replaced with 3 tampons to represent the worst period they've ever had!!

   Oops they got my order wrong again. I ordered an extra large weekend,hold the Monday. I'll wait in bed until they get it right!

   If you're gonna flip out on your Facebook, don't delete it all the next day. Some of us still want to share your meltdown with our friends.

   In an elevator I like to pull out a picture of myself and ask people "have you seen this person?"

   If you are under house arrest but live in a mobile home can you go anywhere you want?

   A guy in a bar stands up and says, "All lawyers are a$$holes." Another guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..." The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?" The second guy says, "No. I'm an a$$hole."

   A wise man once said........................... nothing,,, He just let her vent

   Ladies, I hate to break this to you, but curves and rolls are not the same thing.

   To skip any youtbue ad just change ‘youtbue’ to ‘youtubeskip’ in the url of any video. You’re welcome.

   I never run with scissors. (those last two words were unnecessary.)

   Am I the only one that believes people without kids should get a "No-Child Tax Credit"... I mean I'm over here not overpopulating the world.. Think I deserve a lil something back for that... Yall Welcome!

   My favorite part of an oil change is when they show you the air filter,,, and then look at you like you're a disgusting pig.

   Every time you speak, I feel my brain cells committing suicide one by one.

   People don’t realize how hard it is to write stupid things on a regular basis.