Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think the smartest, most original thing a person can talk about is how early the Christmas decorations are up this year.

   ❒ Taken ❒ Single ✔ I'm in love with my computer. It's getting pretty serious

   So many women.... So little time to disappoint them all...

   My girlfriend broke up with me because I have a "drinking problem". She says I don't drink enough.

   When I'm staring at you while you're talking I'm like, "What an a-sss!"

   Martin Sheen would be the best President, let's all vote him in.

   I wonder if my cat thinks I'm cleaning my ice cream?

   Put down my club? Oh, you meant vote?........I thought Bernie wanted a Revolution?

   FACT: A baby is basically just a meatloaf that can look around a bit

   Then stop blaming all gun owners for the actions of one.

   Come on people I don't think we are ready for a woman president!! I can't believe no ones asking her the important questions like can she cook!!!

   Stop pretending like you don't wanna hug

   It is just a fact that some people are not comedians no matter how hard they try

   Looking for a girl who goes down as quickly as my phone battery...

   Why can't bakers count?

   Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.

   Maybe her drawn eyebrows are all she has left.

   "2 women were sitting together quietly...."

   i hate when people think their special and that my p0sts are about them....

   I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!