Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 4706 of 6369
When my dog is acting up, I point at North Korea on the map as I walk into the kitchen. I'm like the Dog Whisperer but not g@y.
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07-03-2012 16:21
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I was dating a Siamese twin but she caught me screwin her sister behind her back
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07-04-2012 00:48 by CaptJJack
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Sometimes you gotta cut a person loose to see if they bounce.
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07-04-2012 23:16
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somedays it hardly seems worth it to chew through the leather straps
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04-19-2012 00:29 by Banjaxed
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I just had to think to remember how to write a capital "P", so if anyone needs a tutor for their kid or anything, hit me up.
Always be positive........except on a drug test........
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04-20-2012 14:10
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all that gym work and Ive got the 6 pack abs....olutely nothing to show it!
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04-20-2012 16:09
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"Who's that?" "What are they doing?" "What's happening?" ; "Shut the hell up and watch the movie ffs".
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04-23-2012 13:38
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I like to go on OK Cupid and find the worst possible matches for myself and message them being like "We can make this work."
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04-25-2012 16:37 by SEAN
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You can't rush greatness.
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04-28-2012 12:39
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I will have my arms get ripped off before making another trip to the car after coming home from the grocery store.
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05-01-2012 21:38 by BEGO
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there is love and friendship then there is declaring love and friendship on Facebook, two totally different worlds that seldom are one.
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05-03-2012 10:01
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naming your daughter Penny is setting the bar a little low, isn't it?
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05-13-2012 08:57
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Can't believe Toys R Us closed down in the city. Now where am I to get my Nerf bullet refills? I have an inflatable family to protect dammit !!
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05-15-2012 23:50
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I hate when women look at me as a sex object.. Girl, objects don't move the way I do... ;)
If your bio says “Single and looking for fun” you better be ugly or we'll know you're sp@m. Pretty women don't look for fun… fun finds them.
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05-26-2012 14:23 by Czovczov
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Amnesia is the most common side-effect of Rohypnol. Other common side effects include Vomiting,Irritabillity,Dizziness, and getting raped.
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05-04-2012 06:44
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I saw some stupid thugs outside of JC Penny's with their pants a saggin'...Idiots had no idea that the pants 20% off was inside the store.
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05-04-2012 17:19
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It's awkward when a sentence doesn't end the way you octopus.
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10-24-2011 00:42 by g0re
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Thunder only happens when it's raining..Players only love you when they're playin..
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10-26-2011 18:31 by Seanathon
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