Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When discussing geology and erosion, I often get sedimental and break down.

   Free the mind and the ass will follow

   Teach me to fish...With the price of fishing licences, it would be cheaper to just buy the little b@stards!

   The cop thought I was texting and driving so I pulled down my pants and showed him why I was smiling at my crotch.

   Look, it's time they give Scooby Doo a leash to deal with the "Where are you?" questions all the damn time.

   I witnessed an "occupy best buy" last night?

   Please tell me there is not a game of naming one thing you want from now til Christmas

   A mind without laughter is a dangerous place to pitch a tent...

   You know you spend too much time on facebook when you want to 'like' someone's text message.

   Just replace the Star of David with a UFO, and now this nativity scene depicts the birth of Suri Cruise!

   Ho Ho Ho= the first 3 girls on Santas naughty list

   Dear Real Life, why don't you have background music?

   i feel sorry for future generation college kids.....we buy our books & can sell them back...in the future it will be a kindle download you cant sell back

   If you are not at the table, you are probably on the menu.

   I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.

   Here's hoping that 2020 disappears quicker than a pizza at a pothead convention.🍷

   2021 will be decided by what the Chinese will eat this christmas

   SB halftime show: Forget honesty, forget creativity, forget originality. In these days and times, the only thing these "fans" want is formulaic pablum served on a steamy silver platter of ad nauseam.

   Anyone else impressed with the clown with no life who beefed up his "likes" to over 4,000 over a lame chicken joke. Oh, to be 9 again.

   I really hate it when people constantly need reassurance. You know what I mean?