Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not hungover, I'm just tired from a long night of drinking

   Why is it when I'm on my lunch break my wall is hella quiet. Then from 12:30 to 3:30 all sorts of drama happens...jerks, I wanna be in the loop!

   What I hate most about Twitter: finishing a good tweet, having -1 characters left, and then having to decide which grammar crime to commi

   We have several extra kids in our house that are invisible -  their names are ~ "It wasn't me,"  "I don't know," and "Why me"

   Everyone wants to say this is gangster and that's gangster but nobody has the ballz to actually be a gangster and put in some work! I am one of those people!

   Its 2012 and yous are arguing about pen1s sizes? Now mine on the other hand...

   I hate the expression "Is it just me or...." Of course it's just you or I'd have said it as well

   found the difference between being smart and wise: Smart is knowing what to say and wise is knowing whether or not to say it.

   My friend said nacho cheese dip isn't an authentic dish to bring to this Oktoberfest party, so I guess I'll draw some swastikas on the jar?

   ...sorry...it's is hard to pay attention when I wasn't listening

   don't hug a football fan, give him a pat on the buttocks

   Whoever said "Mom knows best" has obviously never heard of Eve.

   You deserve good things, and I want to be one of them.

   So Beavis and Butt-Head are back. I didn't even know they went away since I've been working with them for years.

   Nothing like finding your credit card in your 3 year olds play wallet, like mother, like daughter... Just shoot me now!!.

   Been at this farmer's market for an hour,,, Still can't find the guy that sells the smug sense of superiority everyone here has.

   When I die, I want my ashes scattered in front of the TV.

   How is Voldemort supposed to be scary when he has an obsession with a teenage boy?

   Just sold my hair to a wig shop

   Boy: So, you like bad boys? Girl: Oh Yeah! Boy: Well, I'm not to impress you or anything but at Walmart I enter through the exit door.