Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only rime I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish sendkng a text.

   msg me if your up for cleaning my apartment. I pay in Oreo's btw.. :D (can't guarantee the cream wont be licked off)

   Sometimes I wonder if Trump was only put in to make Hillary look good.

   There's nothing to FEAR, but the book FEAR itself

   TODAY IS THE DAY OF ST. JUDE THADDEUS, PATRON SAINT OF IMPOSSIBLE CAUSES. If our new President ever needed all the help in the universe in straightening out the mess of the past 8 years, this Saint is the one.

   So, the argument is that Trump said "wire tap" because he couldn't spell "surveillance"?

   For a year numbered 2020, it's amazing how blind some folks can be.

   If you don't like wearing a face mask the next time you go in for surgery don't forget to tell your surgeon to take off their mask as it won't protect them.

   What do an illegal alien and a cue ball have in common? The harder you hit them, the more English you get out of them.

   A nal – Because some women understand a week is too long for a man to wait.

   I'm happiest when I'm asleep. It's my little temporary death.

   I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is "down for the count." I don't care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who's winning.

   I took my sister to a NASCAR rase and all I got was this lousy son/nephew.

   I Shout out to all the beautiful women who don't need to dress half naked to get a mans attention.. Stay classy!!

   If a woman offers to buy you a drink, stay calm and enjoy. This is a rare magical species of female named Coolus Chickitus. A gift from the Universe.

   If you gotta look thru someone's phone, you shouldn't be with 'em. Quit being insecure, that sh*t is unattractive.

   Life is a waste of time, Time is a waste of life. So, get wasted all the time and have the time of ur life ;)

   Life is short...Break the rules, forgive, love, laugh, and never regret anything that made you smile!

   Dad...I forgot to brush my teeth before school. That's okay...here's a piece of gum:)

   It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up...