Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   msg me if your up for cleaning my apartment. I pay in Oreo's btw.. :D (can't guarantee the cream wont be licked off)

   Sometimes I wonder if Trump was only put in to make Hillary look good.

   What do an illegal alien and a cue ball have in common? The harder you hit them, the more English you get out of them.

   There's nothing to FEAR, but the book FEAR itself

   TODAY IS THE DAY OF ST. JUDE THADDEUS, PATRON SAINT OF IMPOSSIBLE CAUSES. If our new President ever needed all the help in the universe in straightening out the mess of the past 8 years, this Saint is the one.

   So, the argument is that Trump said "wire tap" because he couldn't spell "surveillance"?

   For a year numbered 2020, it's amazing how blind some folks can be.

   If you don't like wearing a face mask the next time you go in for surgery don't forget to tell your surgeon to take off their mask as it won't protect them.

   A nal – Because some women understand a week is too long for a man to wait.

   I'm happiest when I'm asleep. It's my little temporary death.

   I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is "down for the count." I don't care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who's winning.

   I took my sister to a NASCAR rase and all I got was this lousy son/nephew.

   I Shout out to all the beautiful women who don't need to dress half naked to get a mans attention.. Stay classy!!

   If a woman offers to buy you a drink, stay calm and enjoy. This is a rare magical species of female named Coolus Chickitus. A gift from the Universe.

   If you gotta look thru someone's phone, you shouldn't be with 'em. Quit being insecure, that sh*t is unattractive.

   remembers when "google" was a word used to describe the eyes on pom-pom critters back in grade school!

   watching The Biggest Loser. I'd really love to be on that show. Not so much to lose weight.. but just to have Jillian ride me like a donkey while talking dirty to me.. Yeahh baby!

   Dora the explorer is here illegally

   what is the difference between a rooster and a $lut? one goes c0ck a doodle doo and the other one goes, "any c0ck'll do"

   hates Pro Football, but I watched Betty White and Abe Vigoda in a backyard football game....Damn!..They sure can take a tough hit. Not like the NFL players.