Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm in a book store and a liberal clerk helped me. I asked for the new Trump book on his immigration policy. She said, "F-you! Get out and stay out! I go, "Yes, that's it, do you have it in paperback?"

   All cursive neck tattoos should just say ‘child support.

   I actually feel bad for Justin Bieber. No girl should have to take a picture without her makeup on

   If you ever feel unconfident in your body, just remember that pornhub wouldn't keep their fat girl category if guys didn't like it and it wasn't making them money.

   Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside

   You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they're flying too close together?

   If I were a movie villain I'd make a bomb where the wires are all one color.

   20 years ago nobody knew what gluten was, now there are only 3 people left in the world that can still eat a bagel.

   if you want to memorialize a veteran, you should kick a politician in their genitals. .

   I never sign anything until I pretend to read it first..

   The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I've decided to start growling.

   Should I check my bank account balance or continue having an okay day?

   Sending troops to Liberia to fight Ebola? Are they going to shoot at it?

   On the bright side, selfie sticks are also lightning rods.

   The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.

   Hey Victoria's Secret, I like to keep my panty selection private so if your cashiers wouldn't hold them up like Simba when folding them, that'd be great.

   Having sex with your ex on a Thursday isn't cheating, it's a throwback.

   PRO TIP: If you post a pic of the temperature in your car on Facebook the University of Phoenix will email you a Meteorology degree.

   The girl on the flyer is never at the club.

   I'm sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they've won the Canadian lottery.