Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This time of year makes me miss the two guys from the old Miller's Outpost commercials.

   thankful Sandy decided to help out with the yardwork and blow my leaf piles down the road!

   Just put pop rocks in the kitty litter!

   Don't sweat those numerous UFO sightings over Russia. I just gave Earth a 1 star rating and a lousy review on TripAdvisor. That should send them packing.

   You know what's more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.

   Going out just means staring at my phone from a different location.

   Thanks iPhone autocorrect, I'm sure my dad wanted to know that I miss going on our weekend fisting trips. Fml

   Before ou diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not in fact surrounded by a$$holes!!!

   When my kids look back on the photos of my life they'll think, "Wow, he wore that shirt a lot."

   If I do bring out the worst in you, why are you still here?

   Some of you people would be better off on a site called TwoFacedBook instead.

   I go to the Doctor daily,,,,,,,,, Cuz I just couldn't stand having to eat anymore apples

   I once stayed at an Amish Motel 6. They would have left the light on for me if they had one.

   Went out last night and got really pissed and wasted. I woke up next to an ugly fat chick who was snoring and farting. At least I got home OK!

   "i would do anything for love, but I won't do that...or that, or that, or that, or that, or that"

   My battery is about to di

   If my girlfriend falls on the floor, does the 3 second rule still apply?

   The only downside to divorce is learning how to work all the appliances…

   You're so innocent. Let's fix that.

   "It's impossible." said pride. "It's risky." said experience. "It's pointless." said reason. "Give it a try." whispered the heart........ "WHAT DA HELL WAS THAT?!?!?!" shouted the anus two minutes later.