Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've always pronounced duct tape as duck tape.

   I have Pinocchio nipples. When I tell a lie, they poke out.

   Nobody Dates Anymore, Everybody has a ``Thing" with someone

   Open-toed boots are the mullet of ladies' footwear.

   I will do anything humanly possible to reach the remote without getting up

   about to go eat me some vegetables ... which according to Congress is now a pizza

   A wise person knows when to play the fool. Like when women flirt or cry to get out of speeding tickets.

   why do some parents send the kid to their room when their bad?..."you did something wrong so go where you keep your toys & think about it"

   Holding grudges gets you no where in life but it does prove how stuck in the past you are.

   Sure I'll quit Facebook. Just as soon as someone teaches my 'real life' friends to be as funny and cool as my 'fake' Facebook friends!

   I didn't know call girls charge by the hour......still have 57 minutes left, I hope she knows how to cook!

   ◔◡◔ stalk mode; on.

   This time of year makes me miss the two guys from the old Miller's Outpost commercials.

   thankful Sandy decided to help out with the yardwork and blow my leaf piles down the road!

   Just put pop rocks in the kitty litter!

   Don't sweat those numerous UFO sightings over Russia. I just gave Earth a 1 star rating and a lousy review on TripAdvisor. That should send them packing.

   You know what's more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.

   Going out just means staring at my phone from a different location.

   Thanks iPhone autocorrect, I'm sure my dad wanted to know that I miss going on our weekend fisting trips. Fml

   Before ou diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not in fact surrounded by a$$holes!!!