Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.

   If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.

   Dear Dominos Pizza, gotta question. After I rate your food directly on the box do you review the results from my garbage can?

   The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.

   Guy walks out of the restroom, Girl says:"Sir your garage door is open", Guy asks:"Did you see my Harley", Girl says:"No, I saw a mini bike with two flat tires"

   we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning

   In hindsight, maybe two hours of being snowed in was too soon to eat my family.

   Sorry hun, but unlike you, I'm not a doorknob where everyone gets a turn. I'm more of a casino where only the lucky ones hit the jackpot.

   I take a viagr@ tablet every night before I go to sleep... stops me from rolling out of bed!

   I removed my windshield wipers and now I don't get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!

   A cop with a drug sniffing dog said to me "This dog tells me you're on drugs." I said "I'm on drugs? You're the one talking to dogs

   fake hair color, fake nails, fake tan, fake eye lashes.. and yet they wonder why they can't find a "real" man!!!

   They should have captured Bin Laden alive and made him continually go through airport security for the rest of his life.

   I just accidentally mixed 'I cant believe its not butter' with my regluar butter...now I dont know what to believe.

   Etc... A word used to make others believe that you know more than you actually do

   just had the worse sex of my life..... opps I forgot you were on my friends list.

   give us back Heath Ledger in replacement for the whole cast of the Twilight Series and Justin Beiber.... Fair trade?

   You don't know heartbreak until you see the waiter coming to your table with food but then take a sharp turn to a different table.

   I guarantee there's a pregnant teenager somewhere who thinks 'Ebola' would be a lovely name for their child.

   Doctors say that one piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life. That has to be most delicious form of suicide I have ever heard.