Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women are completely defenseless..... Until the nail polish dries up.

   Since Facebook shows when you add new friends, it's only fair, and would be quite amusing, to show when you delete someone...and why.

   the me who wakes up in the morning has zero respect for the me who set the alarm the night before!

   This is ridiculous - I have so much work to do this morning that I can barely get on Facebook. My boss is so rude.

   You know you're old when getting lucky means you actually found your car in the parking lot

   Deleting all emails as they come in without reading them. Like a boss.

   Okay I have time to get an hour of sleep before I need to get ready for work. Bed get ready because this needs to be quick but meaningful.

   i was moving with the flow of speeding traffic and got pulled over,i asked the cop "why me,everyone was speeding" cop asked "have you ever been fishing?" I said "sure". cop replies "ever catch them all".... well played Law Dog,well played

   To the redheaded guy on CSI Miami...you're not Clint Eastwood so knock it off!!!

   Dear cupcakes, the fact that you cover yourselves up with icing says alot about your self esteem. sincerely, muffins

   That awkward moment, when you wave to someone and it turns out they were waving to the person behind you.

   If you dream big and never give up, you can accomplish anything. Except licking your elbow, give up on that...

   Dear London Rioters: There is a big damn difference between, rioting for Freedom, and rioting for Free Stuff.

   I just realized that Mr. Rogers had the first man-cave.

   I'm a walking Economy. My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of the two is putting me into a deep depression!

   Apple's new major social breakthrough - a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost between $499 - $799, depending on cup size and speakers. Nore more complaints about how he just stares at your chest and doesn't listen!

   Harry Potter can do all this $hit with magic, but he can't fix his poor vision?

   looks like I won't be updating my status today..

   commented on a woman's french manicure. "I like your tips" ...let's just say she didn't hear me correctly.

   Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want 'cause you're not driving.