Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, "It's pronounced 'quiche', dear."

   So it is being reported that a Extensive Porn Stash was found in Bin Ladens compound. So this the "Treasure Trove" they spoke of!

   A Lysol commercial just told me to disinfect the thing I touch the most.....uh oh, I think this is gonna burn....

   Women say they love a man in uniform but when I go clubbing in my McDonalds outfit none of them will even talk to me.

   They say you can't outrun a charging bear. But really you don't have to outrun the bear, you just have to outrun whoever you're with. That's why I only camp with slow people.

   the answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not....Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?

   I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

   Lol @ the dude buying condoms and getting his card declined. He just got c**k blocked by Visa.

   If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment?

   Kim K is single again and the McRib is back... Black men are having the best week of their lives.

   I've decided I'm not going to focus on my past anymore. So, if I owe you money, I'm sorry.

   I wish there was an observation deck at WalMart.

   Did you know, if on a full moon if you light a candle and say the name of someone you love 3 times, you'll look stupid doing that?

   If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?

   Just checked my Farmville for the first time in a year. It's now a Walmart.

   Dear Santa: How much for your list with all the naughty girls on it?

   If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.

   One of the cooler things you can do when you die is be buried with an elephant bone, just to confuse future archaeologists.

   In class: 2+2=4 Homework: 2+4+2=8 Exam: John had 4 apples. He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun's mass.

   Kissing a girl on her forehead is care, on her cheek is respect, on her lips is love, but kissing her in front of her boyfriend is GUTS