Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you open Internet Explorer and listen carefully, you can hear the computer whisper “Kill me now, please!!.”

   No officer, I didn't see you in my rear view; my eyes haven't left my phone for at least the past 5 miles.

   i joined a bridge club, I'm so excited. I jump tomorrow.

   If these walls could talk, I'd move out because having talking walls would a little freaky...

   You have "Swag"? I bet that looks great on your McDonald's application.

   Sitting at a crossroad, strange I don't see Bones, Thug or Harmony

   I bet if my favorite rock stars saw how hard I rock out & jam to their music they would say "I want to hang out with that dude forever."

   Fact: 82% of men that announce they are in the "Hiz-ouse" reside in their mom's "Biz-asement."

   I'm think that this Halloween I'm going to scare everyone I know by texting them “We need to talk.”

   When we water ourselves down to please people to fit in for approval, we lose our passion and our own unique gifts. Don't put yourself on the bargain basement discount rack.

   i've lived through 1/1/1, 2/2/2, 3/3/3, 4/4/4, 5/5/5, 6/6/6, 7/7/7, 8/8/8, 9/9/9, 10/10/10, 11/11/11, and tomorrow is 12/12/12. I'm cool

   Women worry more about hiding their farts than their feelings.

   This woman's so impressed at my driving that she got next to me just to show me she's not wearing a ring. Thanks hon, but wrong finger

   The Boy scouts just announced their new dont drop the soap derby.

   I have no problem with a little junk in the trunk.... as long as there is no junk in the front!

   She left the toilet seat up. I found the perfect woman... I hope

   Jessica Simpson is such an inspiration to nobody.

   Being a loyal woman does not mean you have to be loyal to his bullshi t too.

   Apparently, I didn't use enough a$$hole repellent today.

   I wonder if Captain Obvious will ever be promoted to Major Duh..