Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like you, even though you raise all kinds of red flags.

   "Screw you and your iPhone 5" is what I'll be saying until I also get one.

   I keep my wallet in my front pocket, that way woman are interested in something in the front of my pants.

   Aww...no, sweetheart. Don't worry. When he calls those other girls "angel" he doesn't mean it. Only with you.

   "Dude, you're getting a Dell!" - Me pulling my spoiled unruly son out of the Apple Store

   I don't trust Penguins. I know you can fly!

   at my age, my pecker is starting to look like a baby buzzard hanging out his nest

   When are these Olympic nuts gonna get it? Hot chicks, in bikinis, jumping on trampolines. The perfect opening ceremony. It can be applied to half time shows too.

   Hoping it's gonna be the kind of day when I take a book out a bookcase and it's a lever that revolves into a secret room.

   Dear 'K", Thanks for being there for me when times get awkward. Sincerely, Got nothing to say.

   I love strippers. They're awesome. Plus I can't get my girlfriend to do shi t for a dollar.

   I kinda wish I was sober enough to remember what really happened. One moment we was having fun, the next thing I knew, its Monday and I'm getting emails..... R.I.P - Saturday & Sunday

   Aren't we supposed to die in a month or was that cancelled?

   I'm the reason they lock up expensive liquor!

   When Shakespeare invented the word "swag" he did not intend for it to be used the way it's being used today. I guess that's why he also invented the word "assassinate" so we could kill people who misuse that word.

   If Apple and Microsoft weren't competing to see who can make the best phones and tablets, we would already have flying cars and Jet packs by now.

   Well my dentist is getting a stool sample whether he wants one or not.

   The fear of being hurt in a relationship usually causes you to stay single.

   Katt Williams just got arrested for the Lohanth time.

   Since I just finished my 4th glass of this wonderful spirit, all status updates, texts, private messages, and voice mails from me are now considered null and void.