Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm pretty sure if dogs could talk their most common phrase would be “Are you going to eat that?”

   I spent most of my childhood terrified that the rhythm was going to get me.

   Due to the Global Financial Crisis, Ke$ha will now be known as Ke¢ha.

   What did one ocean say to the other ocean?...Nothing they just waved...Do you SEA what I did there?...I'm SHORE you did, BEACH.

   Now that healthcare is guaranteed, I'm frying everything I eat.

   I stared at the moon for an hour before I realized it was a toenail clipping that had stuck to the window.

   I avoid eye contact with myself in the mirror. I know too much about me.

   can never enjoy Sundays, because in the back of my mind I know I have work the next day. It's like trying to enjoy your last meal before execution.

   The best part about living in a small town is when I don't know what i'm doing,someone else does.

   Pamela Anderson looked so confused on Dancing With The Stars. I don't beleive she has ever danced without a pole before.

   500 years ago when men went to war it was common for them to force their wives to wear chastity belts while they were away.Therfore only a locksmith could remove these chastity belts. This explains why 'Smith' is the most common name in the phonebook...

   A horse told me not to drive home last night.I think there was a cop on top of it.

   The latest income-tax form has been greatly simplified. It consists of only three parts: (1) How much did you make last year? (2) How much have you got left? (3) Send amount listed in part 2.

   ever realize how similar Porsches are to porcupines? Except the porcupine has pricks on the outside....

   will never wear a red shirt at target again.

   Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the begining all you need is a diamond and a heart, by the end you wish you had a F'n club and a spade

   You know when you need a vacation when you start pretending the shower head is a waterfall!! ; /

   She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say "when."

   Nothing says "I'm behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.

   Be careful, Loneliness is dangerous. It's addicting . Once you see how peaceful it is, you don't wanna deal with people ever again.