Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't break anyone's heart , they have only one.... Break their bones , they have 206 of them

   You know you're an adult when you suddenly start taking Bert's side over Ernie's.

   When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don't have if they are asking me for advice.

   I can ytpe 300 wrosd pre mnitue.

   gdfdyddhfjhsglqtpgng MACARENA gfsfjkdhkwgjldhlasgjebhhf MACARENA dhshjfdhjfbfjhgnnnnbbnh MACARENA EEEEEEEEHH MACARENA

   At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I'll never know.

   Dear radio stations, you do realize there are more than just 5 songs in the world, right?

   1. Say "Dale!" 2. Mumble 3 Spanish words 3. List 4 cities. You just made a Pitbull song.

   Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.

   Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam's ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.

   it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?

   After playing Call Of Duty online, I'm convinced that I would not last 10 seconds in a real war.

   I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"

   True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.

   That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and then both walk in the same direction..

   You know how we smack your household appliances when they're malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.

   The most terrifying question a woman can ask a man is: Notice anything different?

   I hate when people see me at the super market & the're like "Hey what you doing here?" & I'm just like "Oh you know hunting zebras"

   I swear, if Facebook changes their layout one more time, I'm going to post a status update about it & then use their site as much as always.

   Just joined the support group Hokey pokey Anonymous ..A place to turn yourself around..***