Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I woke up this morning and found my big toe was missing, in it's place was a litte note that read 'gone to market'

   doesn't want anything serious.. just a cuddle that'll lead to bigger, harder and better things :)

   Beyonce might be hot but underneath all that hair there will always be a little rubber band ball of nap.

   Having a rough day? Place your hand over your heart.....Feel that?..That's called Purpose. You're alive for a reason. Make it count.

   ittle known fact: The toothbrush originated in Alabama. Everywhere else it was called a teethbrush.

   Somewhere out there, someone is lying in the wet spot right now.

   @(O_O)@ Monkey.

   You know sex is on the menu when she slingshots her bra across the room.

   Beware, ticket Agencies are apparently selling fake London 2012 Olympic tickets, although my ticket for the mens wheelchair triple jump seems genuine enough.

   Never treat a slut like a girlfriend, let some other dumb guys do that.

   What's the worst trick you can do to your blind brother? Leave the plunger in the toilet

   If you're not getting laid then bragging about being single and not in a relationship is pretty fckuing pointless.

   4000 women in Scotland may have breast implants with silicone intended for mattresses. Imagine. Boobs with memory foam and sleep numbers.

   EGSG «—- Scrambled eggs

   If your coffee order is more than six words long, including "thank you," I hope a raccoon rummages through your a$$hole.

   People who don't like bacon cannot be trusted, end of story.

   When you ladies aren't home, us guys use your d!ldos to mix paint and do manly stuff with it, like put it to our Adams Apple and make prank calls.

   My girlfriend smokes when we have sex..but we use lube now..

   "I LIKE BIG BUTTS and I cannot lie" - homeless guy digging in the huge outdoor ashtray at my work.

   Be choosey about who you let into your life and be selective about who you let stay.