Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are no winners in Monopoly... only quitters and cheaters.

   Telling my nephew that leprechauns store their gold in electrical sockets and that he'd need a fork to get it out probably wasn't a good idea.

   I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll have sex with me

   Dear Mr. guy that honks his horn right when the light turns green, it's not gonna work so well when I rip it out and shove it down your throat!

   What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire?

   "Is that your dog?".... "No, actually she's adopted... We were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves"

   Hey, don't worry the 'too young' dude got himself a new helmet. He'll be ok once it loosens up

   I was gonna buy a copy of 'The Power of Positive Thinking', and then I thought, what good would that do?

   Don't do drugs kids. There is a time and place for everything. It's called college.

   I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.

   reminded my buddy to let his faucet drip...forgot he had gonorrhea...another awkward moment brought to you by STD's...

   thinks my doctor's waiting room needs some music... and better lighting... and more women... and a pole in the middle of the room... and a buffet.

   A new medical study reports that men who eat ten pizzas a week are less likely to develop prostate problems at age 50. That`s because they are usually dead by age 40

   When I go to Mexican restaurants I order a glass of water, eat all of the chips and salsa and walk out without paying.

   moonwalking away after mugging someone because you're a smooth criminal

   GHETTO WORD OF THE DAY: OMELETTE- "Imma punch fit what you jes said, but OMELETTE this one go this time.

   Dear New User; Facebook is a revolutionary platform. Don't bring your Twitter tendencies here. Here you are either funny and witty or you go back to Twitter.

   Christmas trees are like boobs. Fake ones are nice to look at, but real ones are better.

   Ladies; Never die a virgin, apparently when you get to heaven they make you shag a suicide bomber.

   People in relationships are usually okay with cold weather because they can cuddle but lonely people are like fml it's cold.