Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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moonwalking away after mugging someone because you're a smooth criminal 
GHETTO WORD OF THE DAY: OMELETTE- "Imma punch fit what you jes said, but OMELETTE this one go this time.
If a mute kid swears,does his mother wash his hands out with soap?
if love is blind,how does it happen at 1st sight???
thinking about building a house made of unopened Bud Light cans and bottles....[The commercial inspired me]
-- I come from a long line of Conga dancers.....
find that job you love and never work a day in your life
Dear Mr. guy that honks his horn right when the light turns green, it's not gonna work so well when I rip it out and shove it down your throat!
- My wife said she is going to leave me if I dont stop my bad habbits. I nearly choked on my toe nail.
My Girlfriend told me to help her find a job that shows off her best qualities. I got her an application for Subway.
There are no winners in Monopoly... only quitters and cheaters.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll have sex with me
What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire?
"Is that your dog?".... "No, actually she's adopted... We were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves"
Dear New User; Facebook is a revolutionary platform. Don't bring your Twitter tendencies here. Here you are either funny and witty or you go back to Twitter.
Christmas trees are like boobs. Fake ones are nice to look at, but real ones are better.
Ladies; Never die a virgin, apparently when you get to heaven they make you shag a suicide bomber.
People in relationships are usually okay with cold weather because they can cuddle but lonely people are like fml it's cold.
Pitbull's videos = 10% music, 90% porn, 0% hair
My personal workout routine would include jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck & carrying too much weight on my shoulders. 