Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   after being ignored for 3 months, I've finally taken the hint!

   There's a reason why "sober" and "so bored" sound almost exactly the same

   Maybe if women would quit playing games they'd worry less about competition.

   "went from being single" to "being single like a boss".

   Fun fact: the male eye has an ability to slow actual time when a titty pops out within it's sight. It's science.

   Whoever coined the phrase "you don't know what you got till its gone" was talking about toilet paper, probably

   We get it, you're a proud lesbian. Nice haircut.

   I can tell people are judgemental just by looking at them...

   I think homeless people would have more money for food if they didn't spend it all on black markers, cardboard signs and collection cups.....

   Q: Which came first, the chicken or the egg? A: The Rooster...

   Eating Taco Bell for the 5th night in a row... BTW, your colon grows back right?

   To err is human. To arr is pirate.

   Because I'm stressed I've started sniffing glue. It's the only thing holding me together

   My favorite part about Facebook is how fat all the girls from high school are getting

   My c**k was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records once. But it really pissed off the librarian and she kicked me out.

   "Where were you,, on the night of November-to-April?" - Alaskan Prosecutor.

   Son: Dad, why'd you name me Achilles? He's from greek mythology. Dad: Well son, you broke through the trojan wall.

   Your sick, twisted, and rotten to the core!!!!! I like that in a person

   would rather check Facebook, than face his checkbook!

   just because your school can get 100,000 fans before another doesn't make it better... only thing it says is grads from your school have more free time. maybe because the other school's grads are at work while you're at home stalking people on facebook.