Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The key to a happy relationship is to never let the sex get boring. That's why I always finish in two minutes or less.

   So let me ask you guys... I don't hear anything about Farmville these days. Did you guys sellout to Monsanto?

   I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.

   The harder you work, the luckier you get!!!...........Make it happen for yourself!

   Just wrote "calculator" on a boob.

   Whitney Houston dead. Kevin Costner unavailable for comment.

   It's always a shock when one of your best friends turns out to be three small dogs in a man suit.

   Dear girls calling themselves Barbie: I hope you realize a barbie is 100% plastic and brainless.

   I am a nurse, I'm just not registered.

   It's kind of funny that Shakespeare invented the word "swagger."

   My new year resolution is 1024×768 pixels.

   I got a fresh loaf of bread now I'm ready for my new years toast.

   As a parent, I find myself using the same cliches my parents did.... for example, "Wimp! It's only Everclear!"

   I'm proud of every woman I've ever had sex with. I don't regret any of you.

   Rudolph is the only reindeer who doesn't have a stripper name.

   I miss the days when Disney produced cartoons instead of teen floozies.

   FYI - If any kids are interested in harassing me on a school bus, or anywhere else for that matter..... I am available. I could use a nice $500,000 long vacation. I'm just saying

   I still remember that moment I said I love you too, coz thats the exact moment my life got fuçked up!

   I broke up with my girlfriend today, she asked me if its really over. I told her it couldn't be more over if she started singing.

   My ex-girlfriend sent me a message last night saying "I'm at a major c0ckfest". I guess this is her way of making me jealous, jokes on her I don't even like c0ck.