Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   FYI - All backpacks are suspicious. Carry your $hit in your hands...

   Kissing is weird as hell. "Um I really like you so I'm going to taste the inside of your face for a little while."

   I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

   People hate the truth. Luckily, the truth doesn't care.

   I just got off the couch and I think I accidentally did yoga or some $hit.

   If you had to run through a Cambodian mine field, or let Lindsay Lohan drive you to the store, which running shoes would you choose?

   My favorite mythical creature is the happy b itches in tampon commercials.

   Politicians should have to wear NASCAR jumpsuits so that we know which corporations sponsor them.

   According to information given to me in my childhood, 1 out of 5 pigs eat Roast Beef.

   The key to a happy relationship is to never let the sex get boring. That's why I always finish in two minutes or less.

   So let me ask you guys... I don't hear anything about Farmville these days. Did you guys sellout to Monsanto?

   I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.

   The harder you work, the luckier you get!!!...........Make it happen for yourself!

   Just wrote "calculator" on a boob.

   Whitney Houston dead. Kevin Costner unavailable for comment.

   It's always a shock when one of your best friends turns out to be three small dogs in a man suit.

   Dear girls calling themselves Barbie: I hope you realize a barbie is 100% plastic and brainless.

   I am a nurse, I'm just not registered.

   It's kind of funny that Shakespeare invented the word "swagger."

   My new year resolution is 1024×768 pixels.