Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A wise man washes his hands after he pees...... A wiser man doesn't pee on his hands.

   wondering if Luke Skywalker ever masturbated using the Force

   * Throws dart... ME: Let's vacation wherever this dart lands... * Dart misses map and lands in kittylitter box... ME: OK,,, Mexico it is then

   Just seen the new Batman shampoo in Costco. I can't believe they haven't paired it up with a conditioner Gordon.

   Kills me that people act as if these people(celebrities) are someone they knew personally...?

   Spiders - because women need to know they are not independent.

   Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions

   Why yes, I would like to meet sluts in my area. Thanks for asking Adriana!

   What do Justin Bieber and Pinocchio have in common? They both want to be real boys.

   My stripper name is: Hold On, My Thong Is On Backwards Again

   If I treated others how I wanted to be treated, I'd be doing a ton of spontaneous s3xual favors for random strangers.

   It's always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they're like, "thank you for choosing domino's"

   “The Force” is weird. How come a Jedi can detect a planet being destroyed light years away but can’t tell he is kissing his own sister?

   If I was a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

   I can't even explain how my blow up doll makes me feel before sex. She really takes my breath away.

   I can tell how much weight I need to lose by whether I get hit on by a white, Mexican or bl@ck guy.

   Single bells, single bells,single all the way oh what fun it is to see couples fight all day hey!

   I hate when people call me and ask "WHO IS THIS?"

   haha this is so sweet.. apparently you can use your imagination to travel to diff. times/places. grounded my ass.

   Crotchless panties because how else would we grip our broomstick?