Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I treated others how I wanted to be treated, I'd be doing a ton of spontaneous s3xual favors for random strangers.

   It's always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they're like, "thank you for choosing domino's"

   “The Force” is weird. How come a Jedi can detect a planet being destroyed light years away but can’t tell he is kissing his own sister?

   If I was a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

   I can't even explain how my blow up doll makes me feel before sex. She really takes my breath away.

   I can tell how much weight I need to lose by whether I get hit on by a white, Mexican or bl@ck guy.

   Single bells, single bells,single all the way oh what fun it is to see couples fight all day hey!

   I hate when people call me and ask "WHO IS THIS?"

   haha this is so sweet.. apparently you can use your imagination to travel to diff. times/places. grounded my ass.

   Crotchless panties because how else would we grip our broomstick?

   Soon Hurricane Sandy will be like Snookie... blowing the entire east coast.

   There's a reason why natural disasters have female names.

   Waiting Until after Dec 21st to do my shopping ....why waste my money ?

   If I'm murdered, I hope I'm able to write out the killer's name in blood and then "sucks" underneath

   The reality is that a lot of girls out there just aren't prepared for a nice, decent guy.

   Lindsay Lohan drives drunk, was busted for coke, steals cars, steals necklaces, and still manages to get a standing ovation on Leno!?!!

   Barack Obama will now have a book signing tour for his new book called "How I Took Down Bin Laden"

   Stupid Press.....thanks for letting the crazies know where the navy Seals families live....good job. "she can tell you about the plane crash with a gleam in her eye"

   The cops came at my house last night and told me my dogs had been chasing someone on a scooter. I told them off. My dogs don't even have a scooter..

   wondering why Tarzan doesnt have a beard?