Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wishes I could measure how much of my life has passed me by while I played with my iPhone. . . Maybe there's an app for that.

   Victoria is Lying, She Doesn't Have a Secret !!!

   Don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat. The government hates competition!

   It's funny...they leave the vault doors wide open in banks but somehow have those .50 cent pens chained to the tables.

   Went for a jog today and heard clapping from behind, then realized it was the cheeks of my ass cheering me on!!!

   I don't care of your skin color, sexual orientation, or social status. If you are nice to me, I'll be nice to you. End of Story.

   I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!

   Auto correct is my worst enema.

   I wonder if "Sober Me" knows that "Drunk Me" can moonwalk?

   been married for 20 years and has sex almost every day....almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday.....

   Sometimes I wish I really was the last man on Earth, just to see if all those women really were serious...

   To the people who upload full movies to YouTube: Get a life...also, thank you.

   I still don't know what Google's "I'm feeling lucky" is about.

   I just told a man his breath smells like coffee beans that were dipped in shi t. He's pissed but said he'll be back with my speeding ticket.

   I checked Rosetta Stone, they don't have "Black English" instruction & I don't know who to axe about it? #donlemon

   i wish we could go back to 1978 when life was good

   I installed a clapper in my bedroom last week so that I can turn my lights on and off by just lying in bed clapping my hands. I never really thought that one through... Every time I have a wank my room becomes like a nightclub with strobe lighting.

   Hey Tiffany, Hurricane Isaac is gonna hit the Gulf Coast. no where near the West coast.... got back to high school...

   Alright...who else is making plans to move to Colorado?

   Dear Taco Bell, Can you please include people drinking beer and getting high in your commercials. Sincerely, your core demographic.