Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 211 of 6372
if a drug commercial spends 15 seconds on the drug and 45 seconds on the side effects, I'd avoid that one...
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06-20-2013 19:01
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I'm hiding all my porn on VHS. Even if my kids find it, they won't know what to do with it.
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08-06-2012 02:24
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Scientists uncovered the part of the male brain responsible for pissing off women. It’s next to the part that knows how much roses cost.
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09-06-2013 14:21
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I'll judge your whiteness based on your reaction when Jump Around comes on.
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03-02-2013 06:58
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i wish I could pick which brain cells the alcohol kills....There's ALOT of crap I wish I could forget about.....
I dont know who is more pathetic, the idiot who opens and runs a celebrity parody twitter account or the idiots who follows and re-tweets thinking its the real celebrity.
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03-31-2013 08:39
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In high school I tried using anonymous sources instead of real citations. This was not allowed, because I was a ninth grader and not a journalist.
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09-11-2020 14:54
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Do you even know what the word "impeach" means? Hint: It does NOT mean getting kicked out of office.
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02-08-2019 06:55
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Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station's phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
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11-03-2016 06:04
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Once again, I'm a distant runner-up for TIME magazine's 'Person Of The Year'. I'm beginning to think it's rigged...
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12-08-2016 01:25
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If there is watermelon why isn't there firemelon and airmelon and earthmelon. You know…the elemelons
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03-26-2017 19:30
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So this package explosion situation in Texas. Are we blaming the person or the packages? Asking for a friend
I refuse to go bungee jumping... I came into this world because of a broken rubber, I'm not leaving because of one.
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01-25-2011 17:48
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I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
Always be sure to keep a good Facebook profile picture. This will be the photo plastered all over the news when something goes horribly wrong.
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It's obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
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11-02-2010 00:38
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Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna' be a great day.
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03-31-2010 12:17 by Shamus
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Jordanian pilot Moaz al-Kasasbeh showed no fear on the face of death, not like them face covering isis pussies.
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02-04-2015 17:00
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Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends
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03-02-2012 13:32
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■The best way to get rid of a telemarketer is to ask them what they are wearing
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04-05-2011 08:38
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