Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet there's a rapper trying to figure out a way to replace his teeth with LED lights

   "LSD causes users to lose weight" Obviously. You can't eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.

   Barry Manilow gets married to partner and comes out of the closet..... World rolls eyes and says, "Oh Gee Barry, we had no clue."

   Ahh Brunch, the Sunday activity that makes drinking before noon socially acceptable.

   Teen at Starbucks asked if I could take her selfie. I said that would just be a photo.... She's still blinking at me.

   Halloween is just over a week away now. When it comes to candy bars, the term fun-sized is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being 1/8 the size of a regular bar. You should call them what they are: “disappointment-sized.”

   Coaster? You're assuming I plan to put my drink down...

   Well I tried watching the eclipse but the damn moon was in the way!

   When I hear "Tropical Depression" I think of Toucan Sam sitting in a rain-forest crying.

   Do you even know what the word "impeach" means? Hint: It does NOT mean getting kicked out of office.

   Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station's phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

   Once again, I'm a distant runner-up for TIME magazine's 'Person Of The Year'. I'm beginning to think it's rigged...

   If there is watermelon why isn't there firemelon and airmelon and earthmelon. You know…the elemelons

   In high school I tried using anonymous sources instead of real citations. This was not allowed, because I was a ninth grader and not a journalist.

   I'm hiding all my porn on VHS. Even if my kids find it, they won't know what to do with it.

   if a drug commercial spends 15 seconds on the drug and 45 seconds on the side effects, I'd avoid that one...

   I'll judge your whiteness based on your reaction when Jump Around comes on.

   i wish I could pick which brain cells the alcohol kills....There's ALOT of crap I wish I could forget about.....

   I dont know who is more pathetic, the idiot who opens and runs a celebrity parody twitter account or the idiots who follows and re-tweets thinking its the real celebrity.

   Scientists uncovered the part of the male brain responsible for pissing off women. It’s next to the part that knows how much roses cost.