Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm gonna get one of those giant, old-timey bicycles. You know the type, where if you tipped over you fell 20ft. and died..... yeah,,one of those

   Dear People, Please stop all the period jokes. Sincerely, Everyone's Ovary Acting

   Madonna said that there will be no wardrobe malfunctions at this years Super Bowl half time show...ummmm good.

   The new McRib from McDonalds is basically just road kill smothered in Barbecue Sauce.

   Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.

   What did moths fly into before electricity?

   Just so you know, when you repeat what you just said I won't be listening then either.

   Drive slow and enjoy the scenery . Drive fast and join the scenery.

   Just finding out that Nickelback has a greatest hits album very well may have ruined my entire day.

   I thought 'Pokemon' was a Jamaican P0rn... My bad...

   No, we do not have video of our baby's birth but we do have some very fine shots of his conception.

   No one texts faster than a gossiping woman.

   I'm just gonna wait for the iPhone12 when Siri can extend her arms and hold me.

   "Hospice," contrary to popular belief,,, was not one of the Spice Girls.

   Black Friday is the American version of running with the bulls

   Tonight's the night ... You can tell because the sun's gone down!

   Shout out to all the women who use their brains to get what they want. Put your pu ssy away Miss, its not a currency.

   Basically the way it works is I tell myself I'm not going to eat too much and then I eat too much.

   I am now convinced that the homeless people have all of the shopping carts that do not have the wobbly wheels.

   I shake my head at people's stupidity so often that no one will even notice if I get Parkinson's.