Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What could possibly possess a parent to start a Facebook page for their 2yr. old? What would they (the child) do on here... Swap naptime stories, snack recipes and gossip about the playground with their Day Care buddies??

   One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.

   This is how my week goes mooooooooooooonday.. tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday... weeeeeeeeeeednesday... thuuuuuuuuuuursday.. fridaysaturdaysunday....

   Every woman has that ONE guy she will never lose feelings for, even if she gets married to another.

   Fellas, If a girl switches from Cowgirl to Doggy-Style on her own, without even needing to be told........ you have found a f*ck Goddess.

   RIP to the other guy in the car with Paul Walker who isn't being recognized because he's not famous.

   Every pair of panties can be a thong if your ass is hungry enough.

   Crying doesnt indicate that youre weak. Since birth, it has been a sign that youre alive.

   I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.

   There's a 95% chance that you'll go through your whole life without ever knowing the next line to "Blinded By The Light."

   reading a book on the history of glue. and can't put it down

   do kids in china push in there eyes and say "haha I'm American"?

   when you go out drinking tonight don't forget to wish all the milfs at the bar a happy mothers day.

   So, Monday... we meet again. Are you going to play nice this time or do I have to knock you into next week?

   Attention Please: Christmas has been canceled. Apparently when you told Santa you've been good this year, he died laughing.

   Alcohol doesn't solve any problems…but then again, neither does milk.

   I like to stare at people. If they try to leave I put one finger on my ear and say The Buffalo is roaming. I repeat The Buffalo is roaming.

   Lazy Rule #33: If ice falls, kick it under the fridge.

   When I see a guy standing alone in front of a movie theater, I just want to go up to him and say "She told me to tell you she's not coming."

   I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup,,, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever.