Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How come Mario can smash bricks with his head, but when he touches a turtle he dies

   Cello Green has T-Rex arms.

   My brother Bob gets mad when someone spells his name backward... I think he inherited that from mom. Or maybe dad.

   When people with lisps say "Bithneth", you know they mean business.

   I've been making the same mistakes in life for so long, I should just call them traditions!

   I once went on a date with a homeless girl... the only good thing about it was when the date was over I could just drop her off anywhere.

   I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.

   Survivor would be a cooler show if only one contestant remained alive at the end of the season and that was the prize.

   You know society is screwed up when a 10-year-old girl worries more about her weight than where her friends are hiding.

   It's hard to be optimistic about the future when you go to YouTube and see how many people videotape their TV.

   I took a taste from the bag of white powder I found in my son's backpack and my worst fears were realized. Gymnastic chalk.

   They should put mini M&M's inside regular ones and make M&M's Pregnants.

   The best thing about sex is that part where I have it.

   Alec Baldwin wouldn't have been booted from the plane today if he played the part of the pilot

   I find SpongeBob to be a little self-absorbed.

   wut the hell..no more jokes? my fb fanz gon b pissed

   Dear karma, I have a list of people you missed....

   Wow these ranch flavored mini rice cakes really taste like I could have saved $2.49 by just dipping those styrofoam packaging peanuts in ranch dressing.....

   If ‘ifs' and ‘buts' were candy and nuts, we'd all have a merry Christmas.

   When a mime dies, do mourners ask for a moment of talking?