Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey elderly people, nobody takes you seriously until you've put tennis balls on your walker.

   Putting "it's complicated" as your relationship status on Facebook is saying "I f*ck this person sometimes and I'm pretty hurt about it"

   so they're growing their own vegetables on an International Space Station that cost billions of dollars and it's still cheaper than Whole Foods.

   Everyone loved Jack-in-the-box as kids...but now that I'm older I prefer mine in-a-bottle!

   Man people are really beating this Rodney king story to death

   I wonder when my phone will start listing them as ignored calls instead of missed calls.

   My wife got naked and asked me to "show her a good time" so I showed her photos of me and my friends before we got married.

   trying to stop being indecisive, but is not sure about it...

   Fought a guy in a wheelchair. He said I'll get you when I get to heaven and get my legs back. I said, it's a Stairway to Heaven, not a ramp.

   playing strip solitaire.

   A man's New Year's resolution of no sex, no beer,no football,no nights out with the guys and no porn started today. He just got married..

   A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says"Why do you think that?". The man says, "well, the s*x is still the same but the laundry is piling up."

   It is so hot, the trees in my neighborhood are whistling for dogs.

   If tomatoes are classed as a fruit, then doesnt that mean that ketchup is technically a smoothie?

   To my 23 friends who are online on Facebook chat at noon on a Tuesday. Get a job you losers.

   I seen a Lady driving a 18 wheeler on the highway today..Thought to my self.. Thats a funny looking kitchen..

   You call today, "4/20 day". Us in the police world call it, "I'm gonna search the f__ out of your Honda Civic Day"

   Today, we celebrate to all the chicks that said "leave it in"

   The Google home page today features a giant zipper. I'm NOT gonna open it. Who knows what'll pop out.

   My recycling guy knows 2 things about me... I don't recycle very often and I like beer.