Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   FAT CHICKS ARE LIKE MOPEDS, THERE ARE FUN AND GAMES UNTIL YOUR FRIENDS CATCH YOU RIDIN ONE.....

   Everyone suffering from diseases and natural disasters: hang in there, we're liking Facebook posts as fast as we can.

   They keep telling me theres plenty of fish in the sea, but I havent caught one in years, soooo I continue to sit here, holding my rod.

   My parents accused me of being a liar. So I looked them straight in the eye and said "Tooth Fairy, Santa Clause, Easter Bunny." And walked away like a boss

   Some people would be in such good shape if they ran as much as their mouth does

   Dear Colonel Gaddafi: If you are going to use human shields to protect yourself from rebel attacks....May I suggest using Snookie, Justin Bieber, Casey Anthony and the Octomom

   Hey elderly people, nobody takes you seriously until you've put tennis balls on your walker.

   Putting "it's complicated" as your relationship status on Facebook is saying "I f*ck this person sometimes and I'm pretty hurt about it"

   so they're growing their own vegetables on an International Space Station that cost billions of dollars and it's still cheaper than Whole Foods.

   Everyone loved Jack-in-the-box as kids...but now that I'm older I prefer mine in-a-bottle!

   Man people are really beating this Rodney king story to death

   I wonder when my phone will start listing them as ignored calls instead of missed calls.

   My wife got naked and asked me to "show her a good time" so I showed her photos of me and my friends before we got married.

   trying to stop being indecisive, but is not sure about it...

   Fought a guy in a wheelchair. He said I'll get you when I get to heaven and get my legs back. I said, it's a Stairway to Heaven, not a ramp.

   playing strip solitaire.

   A man's New Year's resolution of no sex, no beer,no football,no nights out with the guys and no porn started today. He just got married..

   A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says"Why do you think that?". The man says, "well, the s*x is still the same but the laundry is piling up."

   It is so hot, the trees in my neighborhood are whistling for dogs.

   If tomatoes are classed as a fruit, then doesnt that mean that ketchup is technically a smoothie?